hottestenigma

Hello February.

2012-02-04T17:20:00.003+08:00

How cliche this may sound but yes - how time flies. It's February alrdy, and guess what? It's the leap years! Scarier to realise how fast time flies by calculating leap years no? So in anyw,

HELLO FEBRUARY! :)

Yes, I'm blogging. Which means to say, I'm at home. What are the chances yes? I was actually typing an entry on my BlackBerry when I was on the bus to N's for dinner. Then, I kinda lost my way and lost my blog entry. But hey, I've found my way eventually. ;)

The past few days have been good. I'm easily contented like that, really. It's just about spending time, others are just secondary. Well, at least to me. Busy week awaits! Oh yes, and I really do need to study harder. Test, and more tests this month. Sighs.

As to why I'm home today... Cos my mom is hosting the relatives at my place. Why is everyone so appalled by the fact that I'm home, srsly? Yes, I'm basking in the comfort of my pink room while everyone is mingling in the living room. Gonna get ready to head over to Percie's place for steamboat soon. Whoever said I wasn't going out?

So, one of the rare occasion that I'm actually at home...which means to say, bonding time with the bro. He asks me the weirdest questions out of the blue I swear. Like totally caught me offguard kind. Guess my bro would always be my bro eh?

Why do I find myself with so much random ramblings lately? Hmmm. Time to get going, so yeah, abrupt closure. Bye!

When all the baggage just ain't as heavy

2012-01-30T02:32:00.003+08:00

Yes right, it's 2am-ish right now, so what am I doing awake at this hour? Crap, I just can't get to sleep. I see how afternoon naps are really lethal now. Almost suicidal. I still have to be up early tmrw cos I'm meeting bangs for breakfast/coffee/lunch, whatever. Like finally! Been trying to arrange a meet-up but somehow, somewhere it just dint materialise. The last time was like an impromptu lunch at ikea when I was still with PML? Right, so that's how long it's been.

I hope I'd get to sleep after this entry.

*****

It's back to school tmrw. Was actually trying to appeal for my absence for last two Marketing lessons but I logged onto the portal only to have my appeal approved when I dint even appeal. Bizzare much? Oh well, so that's 100% attendance for me still! Good on me, yay! Hopefully this sem would be a breeze, or rather I should hope for me to be more driven this sem. Okay, that has to be, definitely, actually.

Not helping my situation when I was just tweeting with Tracy, and knowing how much she's enjoying her Bali trip at Ku De Ta. Wait, dint I just return from Phuket earlier this month? See, school is gradually taking its toll on me alrdy, sighs. I should really stop whining. Life's good and would get better, just gotta believe in that yup. So hello sem 2, I can't wait to embrace you and the upcoming projects!

Was just flipping my planner, and I actually feel really contented. From all the time spent, to every other little details.

Sidetracking, sometimes I wish I'd grow up a bit faster. I do wonder how is it like to be a working adult, not like I haven't seen or experienced the real world. It's just a whole new lot of implications on the word "independence" yes? Yeah, there are times I get sick of being that little girl in my many eyes - especially my folks', and I've been getting too many of that lately. As much as many of us would wish to stay 21 forever, I wish I could just grow up a bit faster.

Enough of my incessant rants at this unearthly hour. I really should hit the sack.

My January has been great, I hope the same for yours. :)

Happy New Year!

2012-01-25T13:47:00.004+08:00

I believe this came a bit too late. But better to be late than never right? January is coming to an end in less than a week's time, how time really flies.

*****

And so I've spent countdown in a totally different manner by counting down overseas, at Phuket. Awesome would be an understatement. Seeing the sky filled with paper lanterns, and having fireworks lasting through almost the whole night, the beach party, the atmosphere, and most importantly - the company. What more can you ask for? Guess I wouldn't have traded that for anything else at all.

Kicking start the new year by bungee jumping 50metres, firing my first ever live handgun and rifle, snorkeling, tiger show(?!?!!), a-gogo bar... So much to rave about my Phuket trip, but I'd just keep it short. All in all, it was a really enjoyable trip and prolly an unforgettable one.

So, what's in for 2012? Sem 2 started, and I really must towards my HD's. What else...? I'd say life's been good so far, and hopefully it'd only get better. Though there are bound to be stumbling blocks along the way, I just hope things would eventually turn out fine. Nothing's quite a bed of roses yup?

It's one week holiday for CNY till school resumes next week. But this CNY really doesn't feel quite like it, as in on my mom's side of the family. With a couple of cousins overseas and all... Hmmm? CNY just seems to have lost its significance along the way. Oh well. Then again, this CNY does feel different altogether on another hand. :)

Okay, I'm damn bored now. I think almost everyone is back to work today alrdy, and here I am, still enjoying(not!) my one week of holiday having nothing to do. My folks left for Malaysia without me, and I think my bro went as well. Been laying in bed the whole day since I've woke. The usual ones are coming over for mahjong but I'm still in bed! Tell me I'm hopeless. Sighs. Okay, I should go get ready now. Bye!

When the sun goes down on the Boulevard

2011-12-30T12:06:00.003+08:00

Guess this shall officially be my last entry of 2011 before the year ends!

*****

Where shall I begin? Hmmm. I just thought I should just sum up the year before jetting off tmrw. Guess I'd miss every chance to do a short update even though it could be conveniently done at my fingertips with my BlackBerry. So yup, this is it - my entry to the end of 2011.

In a nutshell, 2011 has been...AWESOME. (Yes, I kinda had enough of saying it's been a roller coaster ride.) Towards the last quarter of 2011, I'd say there's been a change of course of events and it has been going amazingly well. With school starting, and at every hello's, things just got better. However subjective this may sound, in comparison to how things were, it's really a lot better.

Looking back at 2011, I've made so many turns, wrong and incorrect, gone in circles, did things and made decisions that I might never undo, lost some people, gained some, started uni, got confused, messed up a bit, played a bit too hard, and anything else? Can't really put my thoughts into exact words right now but basically that's about it.

Sounds pretty philosophical but it kinda dawn upon me that life's an ongoing journey. You get something out of every mistake and choice you've made. Perhaps this may be the last thing that's ever gonna be coming from me but yes - God put people in our lives for a purpose, individually. When you bid goodbye to one, there comes another. Not necessarily to sweep you off your feet or to catch you offguard or whatnot, but it's just that indescribable. Sometimes you just wish you're as big a blessing to someone as he/she is to you.

One thing I'd still not be able to comprehend is ambiguity. Just saying. Hopefully it doesn't get too tiring trying to guess what's on someone's mind. Sometimes using the heart is so much easier, no?

Okay, that's about it for my awesome 2011, and I'm looking forward to the many days ahead in 2012, whether good or bad. So yup, cheers to the awesome year ahead!

Oh, and today also marks my last official day in PML. There are so many fond memories of this place, from every stranger to becoming every familiar face. Though I do have endless complaints about work on my worst days, I'd say I'd pretty much miss PML, and people in here. Thankful for my boss' tolerance towards my punctuality issue, and the opportunities to attend various car launches and widen my perspective and diversify my job scope. The journey with PML has been a great one too, definitely!

Having said that, goodbye to Singapore in 24hrs' time. Will be away to welcome 2012 with open arms. Have a good new year, everyone!

Other times I'm like, where are you on the page?

2011-12-20T14:55:00.002+08:00

Guess what, another week passed and I could almost see Christmas waving frantically at me alrdy. In all honesty, it actually feels really weird this year, at this time of the year. There's this gloomy atmosphere looming. It's just awkward that I'm spending Christmas in Singapore, my bro would definitely second that. We were just bickering that day about not wanting to tag along to Penang with my folks. Oh well...

We don't have the habit of celebrating Christmas, so it's weird to be in town and not have plans. Yeah, spare me the parties, the thought of it makes me feel so tired. But who knows, desperate times desperate measures yeap? Need to find something to do, for sure. One thing I really look forward to Christmas is, my pressie! Speaking of which I haven't got one for exchange yet. Oh, and I'm gonna have a gift exchange in the office, say in 2hours' time? And I wonder what did my boss get for us all as well, hmmm.

Okay, enough of Christmas...

I think I've been such an organised person who always makes plans in advance, or at least most of the time, that I feel really out of sync lately, especially with someone who doesn't make plans, not at all. Everything is almost always impromptu with a few exceptions. Good or bad, idk? At the same time it can't be helped that it's just the nature of things that it has to be like that. Okay, I'm not making sense. Idk what's happening either. But so far, life's been good.

Yes, and not forgetting school is starting. Oh.my.god. Actually I should be feeling really thrilled withe every fiber in me as I finallyhave something to work towards to. Right? Better like moving through the motions, I can just die like that. Which often leads me to wonder, how can bummer stay alive for so long? I mean like, since they're useless and not contributing to the society except to make up the headcount in the population, why do they still exist. No, wait. What I meant is, how can they still exist. I'd be better off dead I think, at least for me.

Lots of minor ramblings and random musings these days. It's just me. The expiry of my job is due, I ought to leave this environment before I get phobia of the job and everything related.

That's all for now I guess, happy holidays everyone!

And I wish on all the rainbows I see

2011-12-14T10:51:00.005+08:00

Haven't updated for a week or so, reason being I'm not at work. Simple.

So I was basically off from work for the whole of last week, starting from collecting the racepack and having buffet @ Todai, MBS with b on Friday night, followed by High Society. Slept in on Saturday, and rested up for SCMS. Got up at 3am-ish and off for the race yay! Good experience I'd say. People usually say they'd wanna do a marathon at least once in their lives. But having done one, I feel I could actually do another.

So pups and kang came and we headed for lunch, and had Subway on pups! :D Home to wash up, and then... Crashed for a couple of hours and then dinner at Ah Yat Seafood cos it's good mood day yay :) Home to pack for Bintan trip and then...

So yup, Monday morning was off to Bintan! Felt like I haven't rested enough so I was feeling rather lethargic throughout the trip but overall it was awesome! Everything from the villa, to the private pool, to the beach, sea, sand, massage, awesome company. What else could you ask for? So back from Bintan trip, met bestf and had Subway for dinner, then home to crash.

Thursday was lunch treat from Dave, got my new havaianas cos mine broke in Bintan :( So yay, leopard prints now! Manicure, and then... Went for a swim, chill and then drove to the airport to pick up my bro who came back from Phuket!

Friday.. I went town I think? Shopped abit, dinner at Shunjuu, drank, and drank more. And planned my escape route out of the awkward situation. And then...

Slept in, had brunch, slept more. And off to Night Safari! Oh, and there was the unexpected lunar eclipse. Standing at the roof of the multi-storey carpark opposite the Night Safari and staring into the sky, splendid. MacRitchie and then Henderson Wave. Then to Henderson for supper, and then... Ohya, and HTHT with Debs before I knock out at say, 3am?

Sunday was sleep and sleep more as well except that I couldn't sleep on anymore at 1pm. So woke and washed up. Nothing much.

And Monday saw me back at work! I've got so many "and then..."(s) in my sentences, so annoying. Just don't wanna go into details. People close enough should know!

Today is my last workday of the week, finally! I feel, I've unknowingly, gradually grown tired of my job. Or maybe it's just today or my soul is somewhere on holiday. Can't wait to go shopping tmrw, and Friday maybe? I just wanna laze and not to do anything for now, period.

SO SICK AND TIRED, WTF. (Okay, idk why the outburst of angst. Prolly it's the time of the month soon.) KTHANKSBYE

P.S I realised I haven't had such a detailed update about my day-to-day life in awhile. Today is definitely one of those days, confirm.

Like the sunset in the evening

2011-12-02T09:37:00.002+08:00

Yay, TGIF!

Happy holidays, yes? Off from work for one whole week after today. Boss is on leave and supervisor is on MC, anarchy in the office yay! Slow and quiet Friday, I'm having a love-hate relationship with it actually. Feels so sleepy alrdy.

So anyw, I've been a relatively happy girl for these two days, for reasons I don't wish to divulge. I'm trying not to be that reliant, and I hope I'm doing fine. Feels like I'm abit schizo sometimes, really. Idk how to explain it either. Honestly, I do wish I know better. But it does get hard along the way, especially when you have zero clue where you stand exactly. Yes, being happy is key but then again... Oh well?

Oh, and standchart marathon this Sunday. Feels like I need a lot of sleep this weekend, and hopefully my endurance and determination would last me through the race. Doing a full marathon is prolly something I'd only do once in my lifetime, and this just may be it. So yes, I must complete the race yay me! :D A couple of people have been trying to talk me out of it but I'm so going ahead with it.

Haven't even started packing for the Bintan trip cos I'm just so lazy. Goodness me.

If only you knew.

2011-12-01T17:34:00.002+08:00

HELLO DECEMBER!

This holiday is getting to me. It feels like after 8 long months of holiday after A'level and the sem started for uni, and then it's holiday again in the blink of an eye. I need something more out of this vacation. yes though school is starting again in a month's time, but still? Oh well, I don't know. Don't know what to feel either. It's just weird la huh. Maybe it's just me being difficult, I just have so much to rant and complain about.

Going on a short getaway to Bintan with the uni mates next week, I'd say I kinda can't wait. I need a getaway, I need a breather, I need some time away from this mundane cycle of work. It's really getting to me. I don't even know what to do on my off-days, how about that.

And as December comes, it also means Christmas is drawing closer. Idk how to feel about it, wondering how would I spend the day, and idk... Idk a lot of stuffs that are happening in my life right now. No, there isn't a void, just some confusion that I've yet to figure out. Oh well? It's weird right, no? :\ I'm hardly confused, but now I'm so confused. So much so that I feel I am not making sense, not at all.

Sometimes, I just wish I have the answer that I want.

Having too many of those days of late

2011-11-26T02:10:00.003+08:00

As Christmas draws closer...

Yeah as the title of this entry suggests, I'm having too many of those days of late. I don't exactly know how to describe it either... All in all, it just doesn't feel that right, not at all. Something's wrong but I can't exactly tell what is.

(Okay, I've lost my train of thought.)

Gonna end this post abruptly. Time to hit the sack, goodnight.

I'm running with this plan

2011-11-22T16:48:00.003+08:00

Just realised I haven't posted a single entry, not even one for the whole of September. Just what have I been doing? I guess it was just work, school, work, school... And out maybe. The beginning of my supposedly secret life. And at that point of time, everything was so much more... Okay, idk what's the appropriate word to fill that space with. But yeah, if you get my point.

Right now, I've got no qualms not talking about anything about my life. In contrast to how transparent my life was, how expressive I used to be, I'd say I'm very different right now. I feel uncomfortable letting people know about happenings in my life right now, and it doesn't feel very right to know there are people whom you'd last imagine to know about your life to be constantly updated about you. Creeps me out quite abit.

And also, being too transparent about one's life kinda breaks down communication no? I wouldn't want my close friends to find out about my life from social networking platforms or online like this. I mean like, you can always drop me a simple text to ask how I'm getting by and etc right? So yup, you've got my point!

Pride vs. Fear, which is which?

2011-11-21T16:48:00.002+08:00

I was told that everything else doesn't really matter so long as we're happy. But at times like this, it's just not gonna be okay. We know that, right. If you've gotta make a choice, then how? I'm not quite sure what's happening at this instance right now. Then again, what's causing the confusion is not what it can potentially happen, more of what it can potentially jeopardise. Get that right. And the current dilemma? - I don't know how to put it across effectively.

The last thing I'd wish to do is to send a wrong message across. Now, just someone teach me what to do?

So...just how much do yknow?

2011-11-16T00:11:00.002+08:00

How exactly am I feeling right now? I do wish I have an answer for that. I was told there's nothing wrong with defence mechanism. Yet I was told I torn that slightly for someone. On the other hand, I was also told my pride is impossible. So now what?

There's a hero if you look inside your heart

2011-11-02T14:12:00.010+08:00

Somehow... I have no idea why I just think of spending time with you every other day. Like that's the only way or that's the only thing to complete my day. I secretly hope to just fit into your schedule when the day ends and we can have some time of our own. Though it happens most of the time, I don't like it that it has to be impromptu, more often than not. Perhaps it's just how circumstances are, and that we have no control over it. But still? :\

And on certain days I feel really scared. Over, idk what. Some days I just can't help imagining - that one day when I wake up and open my eyes to find that you're not there anymore. As usual.

Yes, I do have an issue. Quite a serious one, as a matter of fact. I'm afraid of losing people. So much so that I do not dare hold them close enough to hurt me. Yet this time round my heart tell me otherwise. I could actually let you in closer, and be more than close enough to hurt. Because I trust that you wouldn't. I'm complicated? Not so, I just wanna be sure of The One, at least for now. I don't want to go a great distance only to realise we've been going in circles, you get what I mean?

On a side note, I realised I haven't been taking photos and blogging or posting them on facebook and raving about my days. I really don't know why but it's kinda sad. Yet at the same time I'm quite loving this mystery that some of y'all ought there might be dying to find out, or maybe none. But whichever the case, I'm not telling, not divulging much about my life. All I can say is, I'm really loving the comfort. That is when paranoia doesn't get the better of me.

Naive I may sound, of all the 11:11, I wish for that one same thing all over.

We found love in a hopeless place

2011-11-01T17:40:00.000+08:00

Of complication and entanglement,

yes.

Somehow I think I'm comfortable just like that. If only we'd stop thinking about complications, or being complicated as a matter of fact. But whatever the case, I'm happy the way it is.

Are you?

Let it all come pouring out

2011-10-18T11:14:00.001+08:00

Why is it that I'm still looking for reasons, or rather excuses as a matter of fact to cover up for everything? Why do I never fail to give the benefit of the doubt? Actually that's not very true. As much as it is a way to comfort myself, or to cushion myself from any hurt that I feel from the fall, I'm quite aware of whatever that's going on. When some things are not meant to be, there's no point in forcing your way through, we all know that. Time would tell. People would wake up. I'm definitely not in denial, definitely not as vulnerable as thought to be.

Pretty much sounding like I'm trying to comfort myself uh. How untrue is this. I'm definitely not a pessimist, but there's no harm in preparing for the worst to come right? Why do I find it so pointless to be ranting so much srsly. I actually feel really comfortable ranting in this space because no one really reads this. Feels like I'm just thinking out loud and am thankful I've actually got a personal space to get let my thoughts flow. Could pretty much just pen down my thoughts in black and white, but I figured it's wiser to let my fingers flow.

I'm getting increasingly incoherent and my thoughts are hindered by my limited vocabulary. I can't seem to form my thoughts properly, let alone express them in words comprehensibly. So I guess that's it for now?

Oh ya, before I forget... Debs texted me at an unearthly hour of 4am-ish earlier this morning. And there was this question she pose to me that got me really stumped. I figure I've been rather messed up, am I? How did I get myself this confused also, I've got no idea. One thing I know for sure is that I'm aware of what I don't want and what I wouldn't compromise. As for the rest... I'd say let's just leave it as that for now. That's about it. Don't wish to go further into details kthxbye!

This ain't no time to be alone

2011-10-14T15:13:00.002+08:00

Thank God It's Friday! TGIF YAY! :D It's been a really long week. I'm trying to adapt to working full time all over again. Pretty much draining, srsly. I totally knocked out last night when it's only Thursday. Been waking up with sore throat and flu which only get better as the day moves along. Guess I'm falling sick soon, what's new?

And yes, need to start studying properly, srsly. Exams, no joke.

These days... Just what have I been doing? Time has been passing by so quickly. I feel overwhelmed, not. And somehow, I feel restricted in terms of my speech and movement. I can't speak, blog, act as freely and I can't figure out why. I know I've been harping on it, but yeah, exclusivity at work I guess? What about being secretive, right?

Hmmm... And actually, somehow I wish for thing to remain as it is. I'm so sick of changes to my life, really. I can never harp enough on the fact that the year has been a hell of a roller coaster ride for me.

Okay, enough said about the same old stuffs. Even I can't seem to tolerate myself alrdy.

All in all, I'd really want to stay like this for quite sometime and see where this may lead in the near future. No haste.

Ohya, and my bro needs to come home soon, been gone for more than a month alrdy. And I want to get my new BlackBerry soon! Here comes my random musing. Oh! And Steph randomly told me she dreamt that I was getting married?!?!! HAHA. Quite amusing.

Okay, almost time to go goodbye!

Cause all that's waiting is regret

2011-10-13T11:35:00.002+08:00

Would really love to post an entry about my day-to-day life BUT...! No but(s), I just don't want to. Don't feel like, don't have to, right? Yes.

It's supposedly study break for now but I've been working more than studying due to unforeseen circumstances. Highly classified. Whenever I feel so unmotivated, there's bound to be somebody who would be there to remind me how I don't want to forward my module and then I get so stressed up. Yes, I have my pile of stats notes right infront of me now and they're hypnotising me.

Actually sometimes when I sit and think. It sucks that I have to admit I'm insecure somehow. But who cares, defences up anyw. Guess I built the walls around me up too high since day one. I don't even know if I'm that comfortable behind this wall of mine that I've built but oh well? Sometimes it just feels really good when someone tries to break it down in order to feel close to you. At the same instance, it's just so freaky. People come and go, and no one's here to stay permanently isn't it? At least that's what I believe.

Okay, perhaps insecure is a wrong choice of word. Skeptical would be more apt. Never too trusting, never hold someone that close enough to hurt. They say when the right one comes, you'd know. The feeling would be right. So for now, let's just live the moment.

*****

Yay, it's almost lunchtime soon. I need to feel more awake soon. The mini carton of HL milk is prolly the reason why I feel so sleepy now. What a cute combi breakfast today - HL milk + koko crunch. Kid's meal, totally?

Oh another note, the week in ending so cheers!

Just stick around a little longer

2011-10-12T15:48:00.002+08:00

It's been nearly 2 months since the last entry, woah. Not like I've been missing in action, just that there's nothing interesting in my life worth raving about, as a matter of fact. Okay, maybe there are, but not something that needs to be broadcasted and shared with everyone. I'm exclusive in my own way and too bad, you're just not that close enough for me to let you in.

So if you're wondering... Yes, I'm at the work desk now which partly explains why am I even here blogging. What a gloomy weather today hmmm?

Right, and last night was prolly the first time I slept so soundly as compared to the several other nights. Just felt so comfortable though I eventually got woken up even before the alarm sounded when the sun started seeping through the drawn curtains. Sometimes, I really love early mornings like that. Or even, lazing around and only to get out of bed at 5pm ultimately. Sleep, is just so important no? Okay, too bad if you don't get it.

And sometimes, I just don't know if reappearance is for the best.

Replaced.

2011-08-20T10:49:00.002+08:00

When they tell you about the void you have in your heart and that you'd never feel whole again, they're lying. One day you'd come to realise it's all in the head. Either you choose to leave that void that and dwell on self-pity or you go on, do something fulfilling and start filling up that void. You don't need a person to be there to fill up this vacancy for you. All you need to do is to fricking get up on your own feet and take that one step out. Soon enough you'd have the momentum to keep you going for you'd realise there's almost no point stopping by or even remaining stagnant.

Life goes on.

Omg, what a night.

2011-08-12T15:00:00.005+08:00

Ladies' night at Phuture that night was insane. My first time really partying ever since school started. Macallan, Belvedere, Jägermeister and all sort of nonsense. First time in my life I ever died partying. Woke up to the shock of my life with "How the fuck I got home?!" I think I'm rather amazing as to how I dint wake the whole house up. No second time, I swear. Too fucking scary. Hearing stories of what I did when I was drunk is rathering amusing though. I think I'm quite amazing HAHA. I was told I was still functioning, not drop dead drunk. And I could still ask if I was too heavy when carried. What I do when drunk? To act sober! This is really hilarious omg. I don't even remember puking and getting up on that platform beside the sink. I pissed the auntie in the toilet off, everything. I'm really quite amused by the drunkard me but I really swear to never want to experience it again.

This week has been a really bad week. :( Drank too much that I feel dehydrated till now damn. Ladies' night and followed by another Friday night at Phuture again but this time with Steph. Vodka lime, dozen of plum shots at 10pm (yes, that girl was quite mad!), Martell with beer (yuckiest combi) and with ginger ale? Phobia of alcohol that night, I swear.

Yesterday was my first ever working Saturday! Lunch with N and K at Dempsey cos S couldn't make it, before they dropped me at Ion to meet b. Shopped, manicured, gossiped and more shopping before b left for a hot date HAHA. Went to do my readings for OB. Went for dinner. Then to Spruce for red wine. Damn, alcohol overload week.

I'd pull through.

2011-08-01T02:22:00.003+08:00

Cut the overthinking, period. Sometimes, some things are just as of face level as it really it. You just have to stop reading between the lines to make things a lot easier for yourself. Also, to stop finding excuses to comfort yourself when it can't be anymore evident that there's just no point in being an eternal optimist. Harsh truth is that, it's time to fricking wake up. They say you can't stay in your comfort zone for long. Steph made me realised that the so-called comfort zone that I've been in hasn't been exactly comfortable, especially for the past few months. Guess it's about time to take the step forward and step out of it. What's comfortable may not necessary be the best for you.

I know exactly what I should do despite the countless "idk(s)" I blatantly used to confront all the thoughts and doubts that were put across. As much as I'd love a proper goodbye... I guess if you ever look back someday, know that I've never left.

Hi, I miss you.

2011-07-25T01:47:00.003+08:00

You still cross my mind most of the times. Even when I drained myself out and have every ounce of energy sapped out of me, I still lay on my back in bed and think of you before I finally got to rest. I'm just thinking, you're prolly getting on with your life fine now. Even if days are just passing. Just because from that very moment on, I'm all but a passer-by. Nothing more.

Untitled.

2011-07-17T20:56:00.003+08:00

The title is currently left blank as of now because I can't think of an appropriate title for this post. I foresee it'd just be a compilation of thoughts about every and anything that cross my mind at any point in time.

So anyw...

HI FROM BATAM!

At Harris resort right now, all washed up and waiting for spa. Supposed to be a FFFF trip but bangs couldn't come along. :( Oh well. Missing you, bangs! It's really quite awesome getting fat here. No water sports yet cos we were trapped in town the whole afternoon for super-marketing, like literally! Bought super a lot of stuffs. Fat max uh!

*****

Actually, I really do have a lot on my mind. I just have no idea where to begin with, and how to put them into words, how to put myself across, how to let my emotions known, how to deal with myself, and how to deal with everything. There's been too many of these moments lately. I thought time should heal and I would only be getting better but it doesn't seem to be the case apparently? Just what's wrong? No, I'm not looking for that one hand to pull me up when I reach my hand out in the dark. Just someone who truly understands and empathises, no?

I think I'm expecting too much sometimes. It's just me, I need to get through this. Yet that being easier said than done. I hate blogging these days srsly, because nothing would come across my mind like how these thoughts vividly would. Then I'd post almost everything depressing and it's not good.

Okay, since I'm on a getaway I should just let loose and cast everything aside. Going for spa alrdy bye!

Yet another chapter

2011-07-15T16:38:00.002+08:00

Been missing out quite a bit. Haven't been posting faithfully. Shall do a proper sum-up before I go on another getaway in a few hours' time. I'm dead beat but I just wanna do up this post, been dragging it for a bit too long alrdy.

So... The week before saw me in Malaysia for almost the whole week. First to attend a wake. He's my late gramp's cousin, and we are rather tight. The whole feeling of attending a wake was so overwhelming, the whole family broke down hard when we offered the incense. It's like, losing another part of us. Yes, another. Been losing too many close ones around. Started dealing with farewells and goodbyes since I was like, 6 years old? When ahgong passed on. Followed by... Nothing glamorous worth mentioning but I really miss my aunt. :\ wakes and funerals depress me the most, like who wouldn't be right? Trust me, for me, it's a whole new level no one really understands. I'd say my life's a drama, those really close friends couldn't agree anymore.

That's why I always say, "who are you to even judge me?"

Back from the wake on Saturday, and departed for KL/Genting on Monday. Was a good breather from the mundane cycle I've been caught in for months, I'd say. But just couldn't really keep my mind off certain stuffs. I guess I've been in denial for quite a bit, kinda need to wake up a bit. I can't be anymore awake though, prolly just need to feel better soon? I really have no idea. It's been eating me up quite a bit, and this is no good. A week up in the highlands was good, the weather and everything awesome. Got really unhappy about the stuffy and humid weather back in sg but oh well, suck it up. Embrace the all-round summer guys.

Then, another chapter of my life unfolds with school starting on the 11th. Thankfully for orientation even though it was undeniably a bit too short to even enable proper bonding. The class, or rather lecture group is too huge but all's good with the usual ones. School's starting to get more demanding, can totally feel it. I hope I settle down really soon cos the admin side is really giving me a massive headache, it's handicapping my studies!

That's basically what happened in the course of my absence from blogosphere? Can't really think much now cos I'm mad groggy. Need to hit the sack and get up in a bit. YAAAAAWN!

Ohya, and did I mention I got my BlackBerry Torch?! Like finallyyyyy. But now there's some software issues, gonna exchange for a new set next week.

And now it really is goodnight.

Read my lips while I can't voice out my thoughts.

2011-07-09T01:27:00.002+08:00

Woah, I've got too much to update in this lil space of mine. It's like watching a TV serial and you're missing out on a good few episodes and right now you find yourself watching the final episode and being completely clueless what happened in between. Shall update soon. Stay tuned.

Verbally handicapped.

2011-07-04T03:19:00.006+08:00

I have so much to say, so much to update about my weekend but I just can't seem to put everything into words. I need time to sort out my thoughts and feelings before being able to construct them into proper sentences and allowing comprehension at all. A part of me just don't feel like recording any of those happenings but I guess I'd regret not having them as keepsake memories later on. So I guess I would have to deal with it and then post a coherent entry sometime later, like tmrw or something. It's 03:24am now. They say not to trust what your head tells you at so late an hour, it drives you crazy.

P.S Why is it that we always find ourselves leaving with regrets, and also facing too many a "too late" in our lives? :\

They say you know when you know but I don't.

2011-06-29T15:18:00.001+08:00

I hate that feeling when I receive news about someone passing on. :\ Really don't like the feeling too much, dampened my mood and kicked start my day on a really low note. So, this old uncle of mine in Port Dickson passed on. :( Gotta go attend the wake this Friday afternoon. It'd be the most dreadful 4-hour drive ever. Remember how my late gramp brought us to visit him just not long before my gramp passed on 14years ago. Since then we've been visiting them now and then, the family played quite a significant part of me and my bro's childhood I'd say? This time round, it feels all weird cos we're going to attend a wake instead of a get-together. I really don't know how to feel about it...

*****

Have been missing in action for a good few days. I realised even with my new laptop, I haven't been online much, except skyping. Haven't even sorted out my iTunes despite the weeks that past by. Just what have I been doing, srsly? Bumming around, going out and everything else.

Let's talk about the weekend...

Tuition with Tricia after work on Friday. To town to meet the usual ones, then met Debs and to zouk to find Leong. He got totally wasted and we lost him cos he wandered off. Joke! Impromptu but we decided to zouk eventually. So we went in our ultimate cui state. Some angmoh even asked debs how she managed to get in with her flip flops HAHA. Managed to get into phuture despite the max cap. so yay! Got home past 5am and my mom screamed?!

And so I dint manage to wake up for tuition so I got it postponed. Omg so bad la, actually I woke up but was feeling kinda unwell. Slight hangover uh sorry. Met Mello to hougang to get our hair done in the afternoon. To NEX for lunch/dinner-combined and to town for manicure! Totally a maintenance day but it's so tiring.

And Sunday? Tuition for Eloise, then we headed to chinatown for Yum Cha with Steph as well! Then to skypark at Duxton and then back home cos godbro Tim called me, they're coming over to mahjong. AND SO... I FINALLY PUT UP THE P-PLATE ON THE CAR! Drove my parents out for dinner, and that's when I got my first parking ticket as well. Oh well, lesson learnt the expensive way. Sighs!

Monday and Tuesday was off for Freshmen Orientation Camp. Was expecting amazing race of sort but it was rather confined to the campsite. Alrdy mad tired from 2d1n though 3d2n would spell much more fun. Totally concussed for 15hrs straight after the camp, slept past dinner and everything. I even overslept for work HAHA.

And now? I'm back to work. Tmrw would be my last day yay!

-----

Nothing much to talk about my life, and I'm blogging with the most monotonous tone ever. Just not feeling too good, or maybe it's just PMS, whatever.

So here's an abrupt end bye.

Cures a multitude of ills

2011-06-24T17:29:00.002+08:00

So I haven't got a chance to put up the P-plate on my dad's MPV. I shall do it tonight or tmrw morning, then drive them out for breakfast heheh :D actually I don't feel very much thrilled to get behind the wheel, more of really elated that I no longer have to travel to and fro bbdc anymore yay! And hopefully someone would be nice enough to buy me a car? HAHA. BMW 1-series 5 door hatch sounds like a deal :) Kidding k, chill! Maybe I shall wait for my dad to strike it rich and then buy for me as my 21st pressie uh. If only I'm borned with a silver spoon in my mouth, oh well!

Am freezing in the office right now, and it's 20 minutes away to knock-off. TGIF yay! I was just thinking, when I really step out into the society to work someday, would I still be here blogging and passing time? I highly doubt so uh. Well, things revolve and eventually change at every stage of our lives. Like right now, I have to start adapting to a whole new set of changes - when school starts. It means having to step out of comfort zone, meeting new faces and start studying all over again. Most importantly, this would mark the final chapter of my student life. Three years to go, let's go.

Anyw, am still on my mission to weight loss of 12lbs. Or maybe I should target 15lbs. I feel like a flab. Can never harp enough on the fact that I'm fat I swear. Not attempting to find the flaws in myself, and nothing to do with inferiority, it's just me and weight loss. Think I'm being annoying and whiny, trying to seek attention? Screw off. Everyone has their own expectations, and for me I want to be of a certain weight so who are you to judge? (okay, why am I being so angsty when like no one is even saying anything?) I think I'm mad, I pretty much like engaging in a conversation with myself!

Oh, was on skype with Chai last night, and I realised how much I'm gonna miss her when she eventually accepts the offer from Monash and fly over to aussie. We aren't exactly meeting up alot here in sg alrdy, imagine how it'd be when we're miles apart. It's amazing how we sustain this friendship, srsly.

Some things are just so unexplainable. no?

Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

2011-06-23T16:00:00.003+08:00

Hihihi! Omg guess who finally passed her TP?!?!?!! :D Okay, so I've been taking halfdays off to go for my revision practicals and I finally passed my TP today hey! I swear there were tears of joy when my tester said, "So, you've passed, third time alrdy." And he gave me a smile! Awww.

Damn sneaky I swear, I only told a few about my driving. People in my office, certainly. Just because I have to do so to be able to apply for leave! And a selective few only, very pressurising yknow?! So yay I'd be getting my driving license next month! But for now, I can drive alrdy!

*****

And OUCHHHHH. My back hurts on the right side. Feels like someone hit me hard and it's all bruised. :( Feels paralysed abit. Random but I was using my laptop on my bed last night and I fell asleep. Woke up in the middle of the night finding myself sprawled on those pink sheets. Thankfully I dint sweep my laptop off my bed!

*****

I figured I'm getting better, really. Till I went into the memopad on my bb just now and stumbled upon a text that you sent. It's totally apt to just say that we really did have something going on. But you claimed that it's moving too fast we both lost directions. And right now? I guess the best way out is really moving on. There's no point in me being here, gripping on so tightly when all that I have is my hands is nothing except the marks that my nails left me as I clench my fist so tight. It's been so deep and they are hurting quite abit and I don't see why I have to carry on going through this, alone. I'd be more than glad to still be a friend but I guess the line is rather clear right now. To me, at least?

Idk if you actually treat your friends like this. I don't think so actually. But I guess this is it, I'm saving myself for real. I don't quite blame you actually, still giving you the benefit of doubt because me myself has become less of a phone kinda person. I don't text back almost immediately nor check my phone as frequent these days. Even if I do, sometimes I'd put it aside and only reply awhile later. I wonder if it's the same for you which explains why, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore cos it doesn't, for you.

Yes, it is just that conditional, it takes two hands to clap. No one would put in that much effort when it's hardly reciprocated. Yknow what, it takes one hand to slap so hey, I'm bailing out because you've slapped reality in my face quite hard enough to wake me up. I've realised how drastic things have changed. I've come to terms with my unwillingness to budge. It's time to wake up. We'd still be friends, yes? Till then, xx.

Feels whole again.

2011-06-20T17:31:00.004+08:00

So... I went for scaling and polishing last Friday, got my photos taken and collected my retainers. I swear the nurse was out to kill me cos she has so many problems just taking photos of my teeth. It was like a torture, like hello it hurts okay?!

Just to sum up my weekend...

Dinner at Arirang Korean Restaurant @ Liang Seah Street for LV's birthday - headed to Rebel - supposed to head zouk with Steph but she hopped over to Rebel instead (she's finally back from UK yay!), cabbed home with bestf khy - slept in - woke up past 4pm on sat - dragged myself to town to get the stuffs I reserved at Miss Selfridges - Chomp Chomp with Pak & LV - Pak's place - cabbed to ECP to pick B - home - supper with parents - hit the sack at 4am - tuition with Eloise @ 10am - fathers' day dinner @ Jumbo! :D

I'm so fricking lazy to remove my retainers that I only eat a meal a day srsly. It's sucha chore I swear. I forgot and wore my retainers out for dinner last night, only to have to do the most unglam of removing them in public urgh! On a lighter note, I can eat crab properly alrdy hey! :D

*****

I thought that day would pretty much mark the end of everything and we'd be out of each other's lives entirely. For that whole day I've been trying to suppress that inner voice in me and reassuring myself that it'd all be fine. Till your text came. Idk if it was a relief of any sort. I just don't know what to feel anymore. I wish I know so at least I can figure a way out for myself.

-----

You have no idea how hard it is to convince yourself you don't care when in actuality, yknow with every fibre in your being that you do.

"The few people who have knocked down the walls you built up and whom you trusted with all your heart are the ones you will never forget. When someone like that leaves, they take a little piece of your heart with them. And the hole in your heart you now have, it just constantly reminds you of the person who was the cause of it. And I guess that’s why people who placed their trust in the wrong people feel so messed up. Because every day, they feel those void, empty spaces within themselves and wonder when they’d feel whole again."

The first and also the most challenging step.

2011-06-17T17:34:00.003+08:00

Been thinking a lot these days, letting my thoughts wander abit here and there, but I'd say am definitely feeling a whole lot better than how I was. It can get really puzzling at times and more often than not I have to sum it up with yet another question mark without another conclusion at all. I know we've lost it alrdy and I'm coming to terms with it. Yet there's also this part of me that's refusing to budge, refusing to let go. Actually idk, feels like I've alrdy did.

Like, when your text comes in the early morning, I no longer force to pry my eyes open to reply immediately. I don't check my bb every now and then to see if you've read/reply my text. When I missed your text by a considerable bit of time, it doesn't really bother me as much.

Yet...

I know there's this part of me that's still holding on when I've alrdy got nothing.

Feels almost like another part of me gone.

2011-06-17T11:19:00.007+08:00

I still remember that very first day, and the discomfort I feel. The throbbing pain I'd feel in my head, together with the strain that I'd feel yet not being able to do anything about it.

I remember the numerous cuts I've got, and how I'd lost my appetite because I just can't find myself eating, and still having to go for endless hockey trainings only to find myself totally exhausted, drained and battered at the end of the day like there's not even an ounce of energy left in me.

I remember how when people managed to convince me to still eat, only to have me shove my whole plate of food aside having barely eaten a mouthful or two.

I remember how I lost the will to talk because I just don't feel very comfortable saying anything at all.

I remember those tears that swelled up because the pain gets so immense sometimes.

I remember all that I've been through during the period of time, with the initial few months being the worst.

I remember how grateful I felt when I finally get accustomed to it and start feeling better, and being able to at least smile abit.

I remember the whole process of feeling a whole lot better or almost perfectly fine, and being able to smile without looking too fake.

I remember the way I started looking forward to those long interval yet regular visits, and beaming like a lil girl when the day arrives.

I remember how I gotten so used to it that I actually felt I could just do with it for life.

Of all things I remember, I forgot arrival of this particular day. The day when I just have to get used to something new all over again. Two years odd aint too long, and not that short either. I'm now back to where I started, with a significant difference though.

Yes, I'd definitely miss it but I figure I'd be able to get used to this soon.

I may not be used to this for now but I believe one day I'd learn to be able to smile my most beautiful smile without it anymore.

And yeap, in any case if your mind had wandered too far off...

I've just did debonding yesterday. Goodbye braces and hello retainers!

I find my heart racing but idk whatever for?

2011-06-16T16:31:00.002+08:00

Should I get a blackberry torch or wait for the new blackberry bold touch? Maybe I should get the former next month, and get the bold touch by itself when it's out? Then again why do I need 3 blackberry phones for? Actually I'm really proud of myself, my present blackberry has been with me for the longest! Say, one and a half years? Woah! High time for a new one yay!

Then, iPad 2 or blackberry playbook? What's with me and electronic gadgets these days huh? If I tell this to my bro he'd prolly get started at the fact that I think I'm too rich and everything else sighs! My want list is just going to toilet-paper on...

Okay, my wardrobe suddenly crossed my mind. Just imagining the extreme mess is giving me a massive headache. I need to find time to clear it up. And it's official, my last day of work would be on the 30th. So now, where do I find time to clear up my room? I can really hire someone to do it for me. Anyone?

Another big SIGH, just when would I be able to lose 12lbs?!! With me extending my current job, fat hope! There are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to go, so many things that I want. Superficial but whatever, so long as they make me happy.

Your.OWN.happiness.is.key. Isn't that so?

Things are just temporary.

2011-06-16T00:36:00.003+08:00

Nothing quite last forever. Not the worst feeling you ever felt, cos you'd eventually get better. Similarly, not the best feeling you ever had, cos you'd just feel worse than how it is eventually as well. Nothing quite stay the same and stagnant throughout, it'd progress somehow, just a matter of for better or for worse.

I haven't been blogging at my work desk, there's nothing to blog about anymore. So in anyw I may just be working till the end of the month. They're willing to give me half-days and off for FOC and all so why not right? But I really need to start packing up my room soon. The mess is giving me a massive headache I swear sighs!

Stayed behind after work today cos Mello was supposed to come over to meet me to head to ikea but she was late. Was talking to the supervisor and all and my boss just told me I've got him really busy since I've joined PML because the sales reps started being over-friendly to him as they were asking about the temp staff in his call centre. They go up to him and like "hey bro..." Hello, exaggeration please? He claims that he wasn't kidding. Oh well? HAHA. And I, for once, finally accepted the lunch date with that purchaser. It's been months! I'm gonna be off from PML soon anyw and it's just any normal lunch so yeap!

On a really random note, I really don't like the way people react when they asked if I'm attached and I say I'm single. They'd be like "are you serious?!", "is it because you're too picky?" I mean like, thanks for trying to be polite but I really don't need that alright. I'd pretty much appreciate it if y'all can just skip to another topic thereafter. Okay, idk what's the point but yeah, just saying I really dislike the way people react.

Anyw my stomach has been feeling really queasy these days. Like after meals I just feel like throwing up and emptying my stomach. It's on this spinning washing machine mode after every meal. Not the I-need-the-toilet kinda feeling though, more of, the acidic spinning feeling. Omg is that gastritis?! :( Can't be right, when I'm such a flab. Oh well...

Getting really sleepy alrdy, goodnight. And, 2 texts yesterday and 3 texts today. Srsly?

I'm becoming less of a phone person alrdy srsly.
xx

It's yet another day, and I'm not exactly okay.

2011-06-13T15:16:00.002+08:00

Woke up without my voice today which I thought was ideal cos I can just keep my mouth shut and not speak since I won't know what to say either. Took me 30mins to finally hear and wake to my alarm, then a great deal of effort to finally get out of bed, stumble into the bathroom, wash up, get changed, make up and head to work. Totally regretted the decision to extend the minute I opened my eyes this morning.

Did I tell you? I've got to come at work at 8am tmrw morning for halfday, woah. Cos two of my colleagues are gonna be absent. One on leave and one on MC. As for me - the one who's losing her voice? Suck it up.

Getting really annoyed with all the customers today cos they're forcing me to raise my voice and all when my throat hurts like a bitch. Can't wait to knock off, can't wait for get-fat session with fatties, can't wait confirm the bookings, can't wait to get away and have some fun. Just can't wait...

Can't seem to be putting my thoughts into coherent words, and the never-ending phonecalls that are coming in aren't helping. They keep disrupting my train of thoughts. Did I mention? I've been increasingly apprehensive lately, and I've got no idea of what, and why so. I'm weird like that. I figure I'm just this paranoid and over-thinking bitch.

Anyw, meeting cousin Michelle at gramm's yesterday was good. Felt like it's been so long. Now that Shaun is working shifts maybe I can have a slumber at her place someday! Awesome.

My.thoughts.are.not.in.sync.

I can't think properly, just typing everything that comes across my mind cos I really can't transform those deep thoughts into words. Kthxbye. Going SIM for some briefing tmrw, was actually feeling excited about school all over but now am just really indifferent.

Time for a change.

2011-06-13T01:39:00.003+08:00

It's very unlike me to be blogging on a Sunday night. This space is back to being a personal rant space instead of my random babbles at work alrdy I suppose? Yes, especially with the very fact that I'm here blogging on a Sunday night.

Am sitting in my bed now with my legs buried in the blanket in my most comfortable state with my hair all put up with my hot pink hairband and black geek specs. Having lotsa thoughts flowing through my head and not being able to get to sleep.

I wonder why.

Today, I close that particular chat that I've left there for months. Regardless whether are there replies or not, I've always left it there and find myself reading and re-reading all over at times. But today, I hit the delete key on my blackberry and got it removed. Don't ask why. Sometimes too advanced a technology kills, it makes you over-think like crazy.

So anyhow, I got my new laptop over the weekend! Went to the PC show for three days straight. Oh, and I saw the red blackberry torch, it looks orange somehow? And it's gross. So white or black now? And the guy asked me to wait for the new bold. Sheesh. Just why am I so fickle-minded, or maybe I just can't make up my own mind. Then again, wrong. I always have the answers to all my questions at the back of my mind. I just like to ask and hear opinions. More often than not, they hardly affect my decision. Well?

Staying up late is unhealthy btw. It's almost time I shut down my laptop and hit the sack. Goodnight everyone have a good week ahead.

no place to hide and nothing to keep me preoccupied

2011-06-10T11:18:00.003+08:00

Time of the month. Sighs. :( I've been getting quite abit of giddy spell today, that explains. This is the first time I don't suffer for two weeks of PMS srsly? And no bitch cramps, maybe not yet. But I feel kinda light-headed. Big SIGH! Hope I feel better soon and that I don't lose my voice!

Hmmm. Looking at my gelish nails right now and they look so pretty, still! It's been two weeks alrdy. I'd get them removed say next week? Or when, idk! I can never get sick of pink so I'm not complaining.

Oh, and I called mom during lunch just now. Yay we're gonna get my laptop later. (beams) and they're giving $100 WingTai voucher woaaaaah?! That's totally an incentive to get the laptop no? Ey, I feel really unwell now how?

Anyw, I kinda got into some shit with regards to work just now. It's a first after 6 long months, but thankfully I got my own ass saved. :) Today was supposed to be my last day of work but I'm extending for another week, or even two! My boss is so good life la, he went on the Escape The City trip with some of the BMW owners - a perfect getaway! I was supposed to have a short trip with FFFF next weekend too but there's no more vacancies :( That spells p-o-s-t-p-o-n-e-d.

Woah, it's almost 4. Working hours are no longer as bad, prolly cos I'm seeing the end soon and seeing income rolling into my wallet as well heheh :D

The weekend is here yay! And I'm starting my first tuition assignment tmrw, I'm honestly quite nervous! Omgoshhhhh.

*****

Well, sometimes I really wonder who's reading this lil space of mine and going through the exact same thoughts as I am, and how do these readers feel about this random girl with her desultory thoughts. I usually blog without a target group in mind, and that's why I am able to blog more freely. Times when I imagine who could be reading, I'd immediately switch to blogging about really generic instead of personal stuffs. Sorry, but defenses up no?

I really don't get it actually. I so long for a change of environment though I know I'm pretty much caught up in my own comfort zone. I wish I can just shift place. Like move to another part of Singapore although it isn't exactly very big. But a change in surrounding doesn't sound like a bad idea huh? Then again, I really hate changes at times. Just like how I've been deliberating if I should cut my hair for months and I'm still keeping it the same. It's been almost a year since I last snipped my hair, and I really don't wanna do it but... :\ How ah?

Okay, getting very fed up with my never-ending random thoughts alrdy so this is an abrupt closure bye.

Take me on a carousel ride.

2011-06-09T16:45:00.003+08:00

I remember at the start of the year I was hoping for a carousel-ride year since last year was more than just a roller coaster ride. But well, I guess I have to suck it up and face up to the reality that life is all but a roller coaster ride. Nothing is quite very smooth-sailing in life isn't it? That's why they even call it "life lesson".

-----

Okay, I shall stop trying to sound all philosophical because it puts me to sleep somehow.

Can't believe I actually crashed before 8pm last night and slept all the way past 7am this morning. Okay no, I was woken by the roaring thunder around midnight and I had the weirdest dream ever. I thought it's time for work so I decided to give work a miss cos I don't wanna travel in the heavy downpour plus I was shivering even under the blanket and the blue sweater. :\ I dreamt a lot of weird dreams that I hardly remember alrdy.

Opened my eyes a lil, took my temperature again, replied a few texts and fell back into deep sleep. Life's good like that no? But I still rolled off the bed at 7.15am and stumbled into the shower, only to come out shivering again. It's like hot and cold I think I'm going to die. I thought my flabs would make me invincible to cold but apparently no.

I think I've got quite a bad throat inflammation, am like spitting out blood streaks! Sinusitis, highly likely. Did I mention? My colleague is so nice, she bought me homemade barley for my throat when she went for lunch! Cos I met Jingle at ikea for lunch this afternoon and I've been feeling nauseous since then!

*****

Oh, and I got my timetable. It's like 3hrs of school daily. Srsly. And amazing how fast each semester gonna start and end in the blink of an eye I swear. I think my brains have been hibernating for too long a period of time, hopefully they still function! Quite thrilled about school, idk why! Hmmm. Going to the PC show to take a look at laptops after work yay!

Life's been treating me rather well lately. I hope I stay this happy for awhile.

les plus chaudes énigme

2011-06-08T14:09:00.004+08:00

I really have the urge to do something crazy. It's quite meaningful no? Idk, it's almost like an identity. but I don't wanna end up regretting. Shall think more about it...

Sometimes I wonder if I actually open up to people too easily, but it's really nice having people to talk to, no?

Okay, I'm excited for the weekend cos I'm finally getting my new laptop. This would be a relatively good month because of the plans that I am going to have! I have the super short getaway with FFFF would materialise somehow but what should I tell my dad huh?? Hmmm!

Then the getaway with Mello a few weeks later also. Well, at least I'm getting out of sg after all right? :) I still can't wait to go bangkok somehow. Shall plan my schedule properly and get the tickets as soon as opportunity knocks! Feeling rather loaded now, but shall curb my impulsive shopping before I need to start raising support-the-Nicole fund heheh.

Anyw, am feeling really sick right now. From throat inflammation to feeling feverish, to throbbing headache, to shivering, to bodyache, tummyache and to feeling nauseous. I think I'm gonna die any moment :( Haven't felt this ill in awhile, I hope my body doesn't fail me now. On a lighter note, falling sick is good (Y) cos I lose weight best when I'm ill. I hate to fall sick actually, it makes me super vulnerable and I behave like a total crybaby when I don't feel too good. Sighs!

(stuffing my mouth with golden zespri kiwis now!)

I hope the vitamins revive me abit.

*****

So I just got the confirmation that I'm extending for another week. It seems like I'd never leave PML alrdy. Oh well? I know I'm totally contradicting myself cos I've been having endless complaints about work but it's the colleagues here that make it a lot more tolerable, and they've been too nice to me. This is prolly my longest temp job, long enough to be a confirmed staff alrdy! I've also met really awesome people. For instance, Kat. She may be older than I am but we'd have endless stuffs to talk about and I can really confide in her! :)

Yknow that girl? Yup, she's me.

2011-06-07T17:05:00.002+08:00

I remember back in college, one of my classmates pointed out to me when I was fiddling with my phone, and asked me to make a wish because it was showing 11:11. She said it'd really come true and you don't get 11:11 all the time so coincidentally. I brushed it off secretly thinking it was actually quite silly but why do I find myself wishing upon every 11:11 these days? I guess that's what they mean by people change. Indeed. And prolly that's what they mean by hope.

Then again, I'm not an eternal optimistic therefore I know there's something such as false hopes. There's just this much you can wish, and this much you can hope till you lose track of time. There's this day you'd come to realise it's not always about fairytales and "happily ever after". There'd be this day you need to go out there, take a deep breath and embrace the real world.

Not so much about sticking around with the person you think you need the most. It's more of being able to look back at the end of the day and smile because you realised it's all worthwhile. Get it?

How about telling me where to.

2011-06-06T17:06:00.002+08:00

Just somebody tell me. When they say we shouldn't care about people who don't want you in their lives, and that we shouldn't give a damn about those who's out to hurt you, just what are we supposed to do? Loosen the grip and let it go? If you'd just nodded to that, then tell me, how do I actually go about doing it? Just tell me. If you can't do it verbally, then shove me aside with your strongest and most forceful push.

Not like it can be helped,

2011-06-05T19:36:00.002+08:00

can it?

Just how much do you know, srsly? If anyone could read what's going through my head, there could only be tears. Yes, I may be strong, but not strong enough. There's only this much I choose to let people into. Then I build walls around and keep them away. When people don't probe, I keep it to myself. Even if they do, I guess I won't know how else to respond.

I'd appreciate it if anyone could just sit in silence with me and let my tears flow without probing. Don't even bother lending a shoulder because I could really do without it.

Thought I knew you for a minute

2011-06-03T16:43:00.004+08:00

Cheers to the end of another week at work! Can't believe that I'm actually beginning this post with such a high note especially when I had a really nasty day at work. Right, actually am still at work - the last excruciating 45 mins. Sucha bitch! Started off with me being late for work, okay, nothing new srsly. Then only to find out that another colleague is on MC while one's alrdy on leave, wtf?! I have never encountered such high call volume on a fricking Friday, like 51 calls up till now? And the totally call volume for today is like 170? Go do the math, there are like 4 of us at work today. I really hate behind-the-scene customer service, screw it!

Was supposed to go Cafe Del Mar with b tmrw but I guess it has to be postponed cos she has to be meeting a client, all the way at T2! I'd probably just end up sleeping in, putting up my new curtains and tidying up my room. I can stand the pig sty no more. It's so messy that the only thing pleasing to the eyes is the overwhelming pink. I want to go something healthy tmrw, like running, cycling or anything. Did I mention? I'm really sick of partying. Like it drains the hell out of me and I can no longer really party. Just drinking. Pub and chill-outs sound much more inviting these days. Sheesh, I feel like I'm really ageing, damn it.

Been browsing online for my new lappy and I'm really super excited to get it alrdy omg! Next Fridayyyyy~ Still contemplating whether to get a new camera as well. Okay I know, super high output level. And I'm gonna be unemployed and penniless soon. I'd be a broke girl munching on bread everyday. Okay, not bread cos it has damn a lot of carbs and it's fattening. I'd just...starve and try to be skinny. I really think I can survive without solid food for a month to let my body break down all the fats in me. Can't stand those flabs, srsly. Life sucks when you're fat. I feel so sad looking at old photos, I was slimmer back then, not skinny. I'm never skinny and can never be. I've got like 12 pounds to lose, I swear. Or more! Say I'm obsessed about my weight but who don't wanna look good right?

I'm having the adrenaline rush to run a full marathon srsly! Who's with me?? Anyw, I'm going on a crash diet tmrw onwards. Been eating one and a half meals for this entire week, I think my appetite has gotten smaller, so I shall reduce my intake from tmrw onwards yay! Okay, stop it about my size...

Moving on...this week has been a relatively good week? :) One more week to my long-awaited liberationnnnn. Simply awesome! It's knock-off time yay bye! I'm dragging myself to go pick up my longchamp from taka srsly. I've been going home straight after work for the whole week alrdy! And my Face Shop haul yesterday cost me like $$$! Eye mask, face mask, facial wash... But I knocked out before applying them cos I was really tired. Okay, knock-offfff bye! (waves)

Oh, and I hope you're doing well. :) Another 7 days to go too ey! ({})

C'est la vie

2011-06-02T15:18:00.002+08:00

Feels as if I'm losing the will to blog gradually. I totally foresee that one day when I don't update faithfully anymore.

Then again it may be cos my life's been really mundane and there's nothing fascinating worth raving about. Even when I get really bored at work I don't feel like updating my blog anymore. Come on, please get me a life I really don't have one now! Anyhow, my boss wouldn't be around on my last day, I hope they don't ask me to extend alrdy, can't they see how exasperated I am?! The showroom is really crowded today, and idk why it scares me. I don't walk around the showroom as much as usual day today. So here I am hiding in my office stall typing this entry.

*****

Amazing right, the way I've got nothing much to say. I think I could do fine being a quiet girl. Not literally but yup, keeping certain things to myself. Not bottling up but just staying silent. Idk if it's a good thing when people don't ask, cos idk how comfortable am I to actually share. That day when I was telling debs about it, tears swelled up and I had to bite my lower lip quite hard. And I left it as that. Said I wouldn't tell anymore because there just isn't a point when I've made up my mind right?

At the end of the day, no one really understands me the way I know myself best right? All the more there isn't a point in saying much. Sometimes it only makes me more frustrated knowing I've not been understood no?

Okay, I've got nothing more to blog about alrdy. I'm so sleepy and grouchy right now. Dumb customers make my blood boils. They can't even speak properly. Is it that hard to provide me with the registration numbers that you have to "urmmm.." and "eyyyyy.." for so long? And spare me your grandmother story, go straight to the point can?! Fucktards srsly. I really wonder where are their brains, and question the existence of them. I'm in a damn bitchy mood today.

Let's spill the beans

2011-06-01T11:46:00.001+08:00

Finally, after 6 long weeks. Exactly like the last time. This time round I totally bare my heart and spill the beans, it was almost a verbal vomit. I just needed the answers to all the questions that have been ringing in my head. I've got no idea where all those courage came from, but I just did it. Mustered all the courage I have in me, look you in the eyes and asked everything I needed to. The aftermath of it shocked me quite abit actually. What if I mess it up further. Actually idk if I did, I hope I dint. Totally did away with the strong front that I've been putting up, figured I just needed to do that. Call me silly, but I'm still right here and still would be.

Of tight hugs, wiping my tears, light pecks, everything. I'd still be here at the end of the day. And, it comforts me how you say "because I promised you what". It means a lot, really. :) Yet at the same time I'm fully aware of where we stand. Even if it's here at stagnant, I don't mind.

*****
My call profile is increased at work today and it's getting on my nerves. The calls just keep coming in I'm so close to rejecting all of them URGH! I answered 26 calls since 8.45am?! And the total number of calls is only 91?! So wtf, I answered almost one-third of them! Just wth are the rest doing?! Omg so much angst but I really cannot take it! Can't wait for next Friday for this job to end! One of my bad days at work again today sighs! So there comes the 27th call! Can I quit alrdy, it's only one more week anyw right?!

Okay, enough of rants about work. Now my weird and tactless colleague muttering to herself beside me sighs. Just why is my life like that huh?

-----

OHYA TALK ABOUT MY EXCITING WEEKEND.

RSAF Open House in the afternoon with b, and sogurt's 1st anniversary at night with the usual ones. Daren couldn't make it in the end cos of unforeseen circumstances. Went pretty alright. Had a lil get-together with debs and manda! Oh, and met Leong too! Haven't seen him in abit but we all dint party together in the end. How about, I dint even party at all HAHA. Sunday was out with Steph and to RSAF Open House again, super impromptu! The waiting for shuttle service was insane, an hour each to and fro.

And Monday was to SIM to submit the documents and make payment with debs! And I went to do my gelish manicure, took a painstaking 2hrs! I swear never to do it again I'd have fallen asleep in my seat I swear. And the UV light gets abit too hot over time, especially when I have to do it for 2hrs to get it done properly. Did abit of shopping, we need bigger wardrobes for school heheh. Good excuse to shop right?? :D

OKAY, AND I FAILED MY TP AGAIN! :( I can never seem to pass it I swear. heavy downpour the moment I steer out of the parking lot. And I've got penalised so much for blindspots when I dint even get a single blindspot fault the previous time. Fml I should just give up driving and hire a chauffeur alrdy. Just be driven my whole life.

TGIF (Y)

2011-05-27T16:13:00.002+08:00

Two more Fridays till I'm officially off from PML :) I woke up to a bbm alert this morning before 7am but I just can't force my eyes open to even read it. After hitting the snooze button for countless times I finally managed to pry my eyes open. Right, I cabbed to work today. That's a first after so long, and I slept all the way until the cab reached Performance Motors. Yes, I am really that tired. I dozed off a few times at work too. Weird thing is when I'm home and alone, and in my pinkbox, I feel awake like never before.

I think, I just can't be alone these days. It scares me like never before. I just need to be around people, and that makes me really happy. I did something unbelievable today, I kinda let bestf in to a lil prelude of what's been on my mind lately. No, I'm not quite done putting up a facade. There isn't really anything like one to begin with. No, I haven't been putting up a strong front, haven't been trying to pretend it's all fine. Nowadays my smiles have been almost genuine, srsly. Though there are moments when silence becomes so overwhelming I'd just lose it.

You have no idea how scary it is, isn't it? Try being me for just one day. You'd find yourself going through one hell of a emotional roller coaster ride and it's no fun.

On a sidenote, I can't wait to go hongkong. I really love going overseas yknow. Then you can totally dress up all kinda fancy without looking too crazy. After all, I'm a tourist right, even if so, just let me look weird for that few days! HAHA. And I really need to go on a getaway now, right now. Okay, so tentative plan is to go hongkong end of June, shall discuss and prolly book tickets by tonight? Coolllll. School's starting soon, idk what to expect. it's just like at the crossroad of life again. But I figure I could really adapt quite well. Chai told me she's applying to go aussie alrdy, I'd definitely miss her. :'( And Jammy buddy is leaving for aussie soon alrdy too. See, crossroads, inevitably. Oh well, I believe there'd be this day we'd all meet again so cheers! :)

Anyhow, I really dislike the feeling of being full lately. I just feel like throwing up each time my stomach is filled, it's just gross I know but idk why it's like this. My boss just treated us to icecream and now I feel like puking them all out and then myself I'd have creamy puke! And now I've got vege stuck in my braces at my molar, how uh? Ey I know I'm damn gross la heheh but hey hello?!

Reach out your finger, I'm not that far.

2011-05-26T17:05:00.002+08:00

Here I am again! Yes that's right, work is ending alrdy, in another 45mins or so. These days I really find myself in daze at my desk wondering what have I been doing the whole day. I really don't like the idea that whatever I am doing right now isn't very much enriching or beneficial in anyw except for the fact that income in rolling in by just sitting here. I know I'm a support staff la, but still! I have about 80 more customers to call to last me for the remaining two weeks. Slowlyyyyy~

I'm so bored I find myself camwhoring at work?! Wth what was the last time I really camwhore huh. Narcissism at its maximum alrdy.

*****

Yay, it's Friday tmrw. I feel really happy on Thursday nights cos I know I'd wake up to Friday! What shall I wear to work tmrw? It's dress-down Friday! Jeans, skirts, hoodie...? Idk.

Hello, hello?! Is anyone there? I.am.really.damn.bored.I.am.gonna.die. And I've got nothing of substance to blog about anymore. There's nothing to talk about my life is as boring as it is. But oh, I think I'm going hongkong soonnnnn~ heheh. But I really wanna go bangkok, think I'd skip school to go if possible. After all it's just one or two days right? Go over the weekenddddd! :D

Okay, gotta go!

HAPPY GRADUATION TO B, PAK &LV ESPECIALLY!

Oh, and not forgetting the usual clique @ homeground. :)

Through my myopic viewpoint.

2011-05-25T16:51:00.002+08:00

Hey it's one hour to knock-off?! Just what have I been up to the whole day at work? How time flies~ Yay, counting down... I'm really bored, I can never have enough complaint about how bored I am I swear. I was busy doing nothing today only to realise it's 5pm alrdy. Is it me or time is really flying past these days? I no longer find working hours excruciatingly long. For this whole week I dint step out of PML for lunch also, that makes office hours even longer but I really don't feel it. Why huh? Well, maybe cos the end of my contract is approaching so yay, not a bad thing after all! :)

Ey, anyw my right palm feels really weird, like something's wrong with my bones urgh so uncomfortable.

Anyw, hello! It was really nice but at the same time I figured we can never have it at hello again because we cannot pretend there was nothing going on then right? No matter what, it does mean something. In fact, it means alot. You must be really tired, I don't want to overthink. Or rather, I'm not even thinking about anything in that silence. Time just flew past in that couple of hours, so fast. I dint even notice.

*****

To town after work, some seminar that I don't even know what is it about. And I'm gonna wear my blazer. So fricking formal. Hopefully I get something out of it else it'd just be a mere waste of my time and I'd get really fed up. Sheesh, speaking of which I forgot to inform my mom I won't be home for dinner! Did I mention? My mom has been rather, hmmm..controlling? Idk if that's an appropriate word but yeah, she's been rather restrictive and nags a lot lately. Prolly because school is starting and she just wants me to tone down abit? But mom, precisely school's starting I need to let loose abit. Plus, there's still quite some time to go and I've been working, nothing much. How much fun can I have at work huh? Sighs, she has my interest at heart I guess. :\

I'm thinking of all my possible plans when my job ends... There's so many things I so wanna do yknow? Slumber, sleep, wake, sleep back, read, chill, watch dramas, gossip, bum around, tidy up my room, USS, movies, getaway, feast and lose 5kg... All in one month. (Y) The last two seem to contradict each other though? Oh ya, and tutor. What else...?

Random but I wanna drink koi and frappucino, eat icecream and frozen yogurt. So much for diet uh, Nicole. I only have myself to blame for being fat!

On a sidenote, I need to do something exciting my life is so mundane I'm going to die going through the motion soon! Maybe I shall try bunjee jumping at Macau, or go gamble at the casino HAHA! :D Aiyaaaaa, the boredom is really getting to me alrdy. Even me myself am sick of my daily rants alrdy. I should just vanish into thin air for a few days. Oh! My wardrobe is bursting I need to do something about it, how?!

Just shut up alrdy, annoying! Tsk bye.

Seems like more than distance between us.

2011-05-24T13:01:00.004+08:00

How time really flies, it's Tuesday alrdy. Finally finished going through the long list of 2000 names and filtering out the 100 odd names to call. After which my job would totally be obsolete! I can just come in to office and idle for another two weeks odd, then again that's exactly what I've been doing for the past few months? Okay let's not talk about work, it's just damn meaningless except for the fact that I stumbled upon some feedback sent by this customer. It kinda made my day by allowing me to unleash the bitch in me HAHA. Being overtly dramatic and emotional like BMW caused him some serious distress. I so want to print-screen but oh well, confidentiality, too bad!

*****

And so...this is my diet week. Salad and wholemeal bread. Running plan failed last night cos of val la, she just had to come over tsk! (hopefully she doesn't kill me if she even sees this HAHA) then today I'm meeting Mello to go ikea after work, shall see what time I get home then determine if I should go running. I feel like I need sleep more actually. As my teeth shifts more inward, I feel as if I look chubbier, idk why it's just like that.

---

There's something on my mind, but idk how and where to begin with. It simply feels like myriad of feelings is overwhelming me and I'm losing my sanity as tmrw comes. As I thought the past few days have been good, it actually isn't. It's just that somehow, I'm comforted yet...I'm not. Not even anywhere close to being okay. Just tell me have we just lost it all alrdy? If that's the case can we just stay stagnant instead of letting situation deteriorate? It's been almost 6 months since our acquaintance, and so much can happen.

Just how long more does it have to take to make things better, like how it was a couple of months back. I don't mind even if it's back to hello, it'd all be better than now, no? I wonder if yknow just the thought of tmrw is scaring the hell out of me. I want a resolution, an answer that slaps me awake and smacks right in my face. Yet, at the same time, I rather not. I rather we just stay like this, just as friends. But. You don't treat friends in this manner, do you? Would you be interested to find out what had happened the past 10 days? Like how we used to have endless stuffs to talk about?

Sometimes I find that I'm best at concealing my feelings with my plastered smile. Then again, there are really days when I say I'm okay, I really am. Then sometimes the happiness lasted breifly. I know myself best no?

All the way back to hello.

2011-05-23T10:50:00.002+08:00

So... I finally got my hair dyed over the weekend yay to even-toned hair! And I went all the way to hougang to do it, cos I was meeting my colleague there. Abit too bright for my liking? Oh well, I just really like dark coloured hair idk why? If it gets lighter with more washes I'd prolly get it dyed again. Okay, enough of my hair it's annoying the hell out of me.

Oh, and I totally went into a 16-hour coma on Sunday. As in I slept at 2am-ish after super late dinner at Geylang with the usuals and I officially got out of bed only at 6pm when my mom came in and screamed at me. I felt like a corpse then sighs. BUT! Excessive sleep is definitely therapeutic. I needed to rest up for this week! And what, to Geylang for dinner again with family. Home and impromptu Mount Faber trip. Singapore is just so boring I swear.

And now...I'm back at work! LAST 3 WEEKS YAY! :D

*****

I have been feeling rather okay these few days, or maybe more than just okay. But why am I still scared? Just a couple more days hmmm? :\ Can we have it all back at hello?

OH! AND DID I MENTION?! My mom says I've gained weight?! Wtfffff. She claims it's cos I haven't been eating at home - her home-cooked dinner. I think she's just trying to get me home for dinner la?! Urgh, in anyw I think I need to go on a diet alrdy. And the sun is actually helping! It keeps me in the office cos I'm super reluctant to go out under the sun. it's scorching hot, I hate the feeling of hot and cold.

The sun is especially bright today, it seeps through my curtains at 7am and I woke up thinking it's 8am and panicked abit!

I'm totally beaming with delight thinking about my plans after this job ends. A new part-time job, new laptop, chill-out sessions at Starbucks, cafe del mar or anything at all, a short getaway if possible, and...? I'd have a month to do anything I like at all, how cool is that huh? No, partying isn't part of the plan cos in fact, I'm quite sick of it alrdy and my dad has been nagging alot.

Okay, I'm getting real sleepy at work alrdy bye.

Of sufficiency, not.

2011-05-20T11:45:00.004+08:00

Can anyone just tell me what's ever enough? Why is it that most people always see dissatisfaction in everything, and feeling as if they're flawed. It's just one of those days I just need to rant, and no I'm not sorry for being whiny because just in case you've forgotten, this is my blog. I'm just sick of apologising for something that isn't even my fault. Tired of being the nice girl, not! I think I haven't and am not anywhere close to being nice. Most people find me bitchy, I get that all the time, but oh well - your life or mine? ;) Am I the Nicole or are you? I'm glad you found the answer. Good job.

*****

I wake up daily and spend at least 20 minutes infront of the mirror, just getting into numerous outfits, flipping dresses onto my queensize before finally concluding at my outfit for the day. Then from slapping moisturiser to primer on my face, then drawing... No, not dressing to impress but I'm just that difficult. Sometimes I wonder why do I make life so difficult for myself either, I figure that's just something about me. I care about the way I look because I respect myself. Certainly there are also days I just stay in my pyjamas the whole day and stay home and cuddle in bed with my messy tresses.

I am actually, really comfortable with being me most of the times. Today is just one of those days... I blame the excessive stare into the mirror on my work desk.

I wish I'm not that chubby. When I do a wide grin now I see my chubby cheeks, like there's not much of a difference if I do the pufferfish face?! I wish I have defined jawline. I wish I have skinnier arms, they're becoming so flabby. I wish I have broader shoulders cos I really think I do look too small framed given my height even though I'm not very tall? I wish I have smaller boobs, I think I look abit disproportionate sometimes. I wish I have bigger hands, it's really not proportionate to my height. I wish I have longer hair, but I know it takes patience and determination to not cut my hair on impulse. I wish I have nicer abs. I wish...

OKAY LA I'M DONE WISHING. The more I type the more fed up I get with myself. Sounds like I've got some serious bipolar issues here HAHA but I'm fine like that! :)

It's just one of those days, srsly. The boredom of work must have gotten to me sheesh! I have been really comfortable in my own skin except for times I whine about how fat I think I am. BUT! I don't sit around and sulk and cry over being fat, or thinking I am fat. I do something about it k. Like I go running and workout on my yoga mat at home!

So now, now... Should I dye my hair, srsly?! The colour is very awkward now I don't quite like that though I can still bear with it. Okay, making life difficult for myself again. Sighs just what's with me huh?

Won't tell you who I am,

2011-05-19T16:45:00.003+08:00

for you wouldn't show me who you really are. We often hear stories about how two-faced this and that person is, but hey, wait. Pause for a moment and ponder, could you be a possible subject of theirs as well? After all, what goes around comes around, all but a vicious cycle. :)

*****

Anyw, I feel so bored of my hair colour. What's with the almost black roots and brown ends? When they say dye your hair jet black and it's almost permanent, it's bullshit. My mom just asked if I dyed my hair recently. I want a change, but I can't make up my mind cos I really like dark coloured hair. Should I just bear with my current hair colour? Urgh, I really don't know! So annoying. Why are girls stereotypically vain, you tell me?! And I just have to fall under that stereotype. So now tell me what to do?! Super angsty now. I don't want anymore chemical treatment to my hair cos I really like my hair condition right now but... Okay, I could do with a hair spa treatment though!

And...office job is really no good. You gain weight unknowingly. Imagine sitting in the office the whole day and being glued to the chair. I can't wait for my work to end in 3 weeks' time I swear. I hardly move about when I'm at work, I feel immobilised. Confined in this small office space sighs! Shall just survive on water for the next three weeks. In fact, I'm more than unwilling to get out of office for lunch. We all know how scorching hot the sun is! So yes, weight loss programme yay Nicole!

I'd be your best fair-weather friend.

2011-05-18T13:39:00.004+08:00

(edited/)

Well how should I start? Say, there has been this issue that I haven't been addressing. Not that I've been avoiding, I simply thought it was unnecessary. Idk why am I bringing it up now either, I just feel like it.

I mean like, let's be frank and come to face level with it? This is the first and prolly the last I'm gonna talk about it so openly. I just had enough of all the awkwardness that I've been experiencing and thought it'd do me some good if I could just put a halt to it. I really dislike living up to expectations. Because I've learnt it the hard way - expectations only bring disappointment. Especially when you're in no position to expect anything at all. What's meant to be will be, there's no point forcing your way.

I really don't see how I deserve to be treated this way srsly? I don't deserve someone who'd walk right through the door when things get tough, do I? I don't deserve someone who reappear in my life few months down the road trying to keep me here, do I? I don't deserve to be with someone who sees nothing but flaws in me, who fails to see how I was being pushed away instead and never fails to turn tables around and push the blame at me, do I? I believe no one should ever deserve this. It takes two hands to clap, no?

(Sheesh, the more I type, I'm getting this sian feeling. There's just no point harping on the past. You simply get through it and emerge stronger, not much of a point lamenting.)

The only reason why I'm ranting so much is because I've been feeling really suffocated lately. I feel so much have been expected of me since the reappearance occurred. It's coming 5 months, since last Christmas eve. I'm almost used to not being accountable to anyone at all and I really like that. I hate to know someone is tracking every action of mine and fussing about it. Even though it may be sincere and genuine thoughts sometimes, it annoys me abit as I view it as mere sarcasm because it really feels like it. I hate to know that someone is feeling bitter about me going out with my friends and everything else. It just isn't fair to me, I feel. I mean like, it's down to my own prerogative isn't it? After all, this is the ending we chose and right now, it's into the beginning of something new - my own life. I could really just be happy being me.

It's not the unwillingness to be accountable to someone or anything, but this whole thing is just so wrong. I'm not the pawn on your chessboard, I'm free, get it? It's almost impossible to be just a friend cos of your expectations that are suffocating me - so much so that I find myself gasping for air. It's not supposed to be like this, I'm not supposed to feel obliged. Hate the way I've been feeling, give me a break, cut me some slack.

Going through the motions

2011-05-18T09:51:00.004+08:00

Hello hi yay it's mid-week. No, I'm not rejoicing because it's Ladies' Night. Do not be annoying HAHA! It's been so long since I've been to one also. I just like the feeling of Wednesday, feels like the week is coming to an end yay! Meeting Nat for my belated birthday treat after work. Sushi Tei yay :D Speaking of which, supposed to be meeting James for lunch, I hope he's awake and doesn't make me wait like the last time! :( Right, says Nicole, the tardy queen!

So what just happened over the weekend huh?

Birthday celebrations, mainly, then the mass slumber where we kinda had a camp cos they stayed over after partying at zouk, it felt pretty much like a camp HAHA. Then we all woke super early surviving on barely 4 hours of sleep for brunch at Old Town White Coffee. The stupid Javanese noodles or something is horrid. Gag reflexes x10000000! Okay, actually it's not that bad I'm being too exaggerating. Went home and zoned in and out of sleep, supposed to meet b but she was out with her family? Went out for dinner with mom and dad, visited gramm and then home, lazed around and crashed so tired!

(Oh, and you jetted off. I've got no idea why but I swear I wasn't feeling that bitter that my calls were unanswered. But in anyw just take care, hear/see you when you're back? Whichever happens. I think I've did enough, made too much effort I deserve a break. I'm almost done alrdy.)

*****

Opened my eyes on Monday morning, feeling so unwilling to get out of bed more than ever. And so... I texted my boss to inform that something cropped up at home and I'd be going in halfday. What a slacker, ikr but don't judge! I could really do with another few hours of shut-eye but I just can't fall back to sleep thereafter :( it was nice just snuggling under the blanket anyw so yup! Met bangs for lunch, worked, home, washed up, changed up, and Javier came to pick me up for my belated birthday dinner. Supposed to go hardrock to watch the drag queen but no more seats. So to Timbre again, cos I was craving for pizza but this time at Mount Sophia. The band was playing all kind of wrong songs I swear, feels rather awkward. Drove around, and the hugeass hellokitty helium balloon in the car boot. Thanks Javier.

Tuesday yay public holiday! :D the stupid price tag ringtone woke me up at 08:30am when I've barely slept for like, 4 or 5 hours?! Yes, it's my dad. So I rolled and stumbled out of bed just to go breakfast with my folks. I so wanted to go behind the wheel can :( Sighs, yes I fricking failed my TP cos I mounted kerb, for the first fricking time. Fml. Let's not talk about it alrdy. And then so, we went all the way to Bedok Reservoir Road for breakfast?! Woah, my parents. That's basically what that do on weekends luh, travelling everywhere for breakfast. I swear it's damn tiring with the marketing that followed.

Was wanting to rush home the whole time so that I can go nap before going prawning with Steph, Dickson and Hiangpeng. My bro dint join cos he had something on. I was like mad late?! Supposed to meet at 3:30pm but I pushed for 4pm and I reached only at 5pm?! Sorry uh I live abit farrrrr. I was so sleepy I realised I dint have lunch. Twitter is amazing, when you tweet about not eating, people deliver you lunch! HAHA okay, that's not the point. In anyw thanks Dickson! :) I bet Steph told him la. Prawning was fun, and boring?! Damn contradicting la, cos I had 6 or 7 bites but I missed them all. Best at letting things slip, Nicole :) I think I caught one? Or two. I forgot. I still don't dare to unhook the prawns and I mistakenly grabbed the feelers thinking it's the rod?! Nice one, Nics. We only got 20 over prawns after 3hrs, BBQ-ed them and yummmmm! I actually think I'm rather sadistic but I like watching the prawns get skewed and cooked and turning orange HAHA. I'd be a prawn my next life :(

Had dinner and Steph's bro came and pick us up. Home at 11pm? And my bro called to ask where I was then! Why is the whole world so protective of me lately uh hmmm? Okay, and that sums up my weekend. Rather lengthy and mundane. I really don't like to post long entry like this but I just did and sorry if it bores you.

Goodbye my teenage dreams!

2011-05-16T17:03:00.007+08:00

HAPPY 20TH! :D

Yes, see that two big candles?! Gasp, I'm teenager no more!

My pressie from Theresabby, bestf Pak, LV, Joannehuang &Daren! I just love unveiling the wrapper of my pressie idk why :) see how happy I look, classic candid.

So yes, agnes b earstuds - my third pair yay! :D Apparently, they first gave me this two sheets of A4 paper - "To the girl with everything, here's your pressie: NOTHING." And I forgot to snap a picture of that!

The epic birthday card which they wrote in my presence.

ROFL. (no, not the synonym that you think yknow, we're cool like that.)

DEBS! ♥ She was there too, with and our ever epic pose HAHA. I've attained nirvana alrdy!

Hi bestf! :D

And the surprise element :D Bestf khy! Mad shocked please srsly.

Hi, that's my b! ♥

XOXO

Thanks guys! :D

That pretty much sums up the night at Timbre :)

Did I mention? I was labelled "the girl in the floral dress with white ribbon" and whaaaaat, "xiao neo"?! HAHA. Sweet and simple celebration I'd say. But where's my cream cake?! :(

*****

My round 2 celebration the following day... Hit town with Mello, then my bro and the usual ones(Dickson, HiangPeng, Steph) surprised me in town with this hugeass bunch of helium balloons! AND I HAD TO BRING THEM TO ZOUK!

Hi yes, that's me!

Balloons for sale, outside zouk. I swear everyone was staring while I walked past and the whole time when I was in the queue. Dickson was super mean cos he dint want to join the queue as he dint want to be associated with the girl with pink balloons?!

That pretty much sums up my birthday. :)

YAY HAPPY POST! (Y) Been quite awhile! Shall post more...

Just keep going

2011-05-12T18:06:00.000+08:00

({})

Awesome. I wake up feeling better than never before seeing that text. :) been quite awhile isn't it? I wonder what's going to happen from now, it's true when they say change is the only thing that's constant for me myself have been experiencing that for the past few months. I'm coping well with it, I'd say.

**********

Sheesh, some politician was being shot at Bangkok today. Not like I really dig current affairs but yknow what?! BITCH, I CAN'T GO BANGKOK ALRDY. Why the hell do they want to dissolve the parliament? Hello, can't they think properly?! Are their brains malfunctioning?! June is the peak period for vacation and they just have to spark a potential political unrest. Irritating max.

Okay, it's past 6pm. Time to visit my dentist. The lump in my inner cheek is being a bitch alrdy. Bye!

Of what we almost had.

2011-05-11T17:17:00.002+08:00

Too often I find myself wondering if we lost what we shared, or we simply missed what we almost had. Too often I find myself feeling as if the first time we met was just yesterday. Remember the way you wanted to take pictures with me, and everything that followed thereafter. The way you lifted me off the ground with just one arm around my waist because I was searching high and low for Tsa, and apparently I'm too short to spot her. Then the daily texts that followed, the getting-to-know-each-other process.

Jeans, tee and sneakers - what a rare combi that I'd find myself in. And that's the exact attire I first met you in. New year's eve I remember. Hide-and-seek, shopping, movie, EwF and more shopping. "See you soon?" - how aptly our outings always end.

Then came your block leave and also our impromptu meet-ups, and somehow we became best companions, to be here for you through the coming dreaded 9 months. Your first book-out thereafter and our last minute CNY shopping. That tight hug when we met - indescribable. Mad rush since shops were closing at 5/6pm, coupled with reunion dinner commitment. Quite fun I'd say. All the weekends in February...

Shan't go on anymore. Amazing how it doesn't hurt quite as much right now as opposed to how I felt exactly two months ago? They say time heals all wound. Yes, it's no longer that painful but am I healing? No. Things may not be the same as before but I've grown to be used to it. It's only apt to conclude that we missed what we almost had. Second chance? Idk about that. All I'm trying to do is to make the best out of the present. Well, at least we still text right? Though very minimal on some days. And unexplained absence. After all, I'm not supposed to be expecting anymore.

Not like I've stopped trying, I just simply figured I shouldn't force things too hard. I might be eating up my own words by saying this, but sometimes, I guess I could really do with a rewind.

xx,

your best companion, always.

15mins and I'm off,

2011-05-10T17:43:00.003+08:00

how literal.

It's almost 6pm yay! I realised, I dint do much work today uh oh. That stupid list right? I only progressed about 30 customers and called none. Yay me. Oh, and apparently my last day of work is tentatively...10June. Need some funds for my Bangkok trip, mommy! :'( HAHA.

Okay now, who has a job for me?!

Just pulled my hair back into a messy ponytail, I like how my fringe is long enough to be tied up altogether yay. Remember those stupid school days my fringe just had to fall all over my face.

Really random musing, I can't find myself making sense. Very bored, I just want to get out of the office, NOW.

Oh! It was a rainy morning I like! :) Plus... okay, overall today is just a relatively good day. And "ttyl:)"? I'm still waitinggggg.

Looking into the lil mirror on my desk now, why my ponytail so brown huh?! Oh meeting debs to see her red hair after work soon yay! :D To hit town or not?... I should go running instead right? But I'm very fat and tired to do so.

Driving yesterday was rather bad, after two long weeks. Changing lane was damn scary with the heavy traffic flow I could have died a hundred times, no joke. I hope I get an easier test route this Friday. Grant my birthday wish alrdy please?

I know my thoughts very incoherent but can't be helped.

Oh, my parents are travelling in August and my bro might be out station in Thailand, Khorat. Home alone, Nicole. But this time I've got a carrrrr! That is if I pass my TP! Imagine doing my own laundry, settling my own meals, sleeping alone in the house(even though the house not very big la, but still!) Okay, August is still a long way right? Let's not think about it.

Yay off I go now bye.

thought it'd be hard but I'm okay

2011-05-09T17:04:00.003+08:00

I need some random rants right now so that each time I visit my blog page it wouldn't be that sad post that I read.

Let's talk about my weekend! :D

I gave work a miss on Friday because I woke up feeling as if I got ran over by a truck. Totally paralysed, aching all over, burning up, throat hurting like a bitch, head spinning and throbbing at 7am. Wtf right, so I texted my boss and without him even replying I fell right back to lalaland. Awesome or what huh?! Then I woke up feeling groggy like never before at 11ish and stumbled my way to the clinic. I hate that I don't go to work actually... Cos I basically spent the rest of the day rotting at home. Ey no, I went town to meet debs to shop and stuffs..

And Saturday was to Sentosa with my bro's army friends + Steph! Woke up at 8am yknow?! Okay la, we're a clique now, so what shall I call them? Hmmm.. The almost always last minute clique? HAHA. Then went town to meet bestf khy. Oh he got a bb so now I've got one more person to bbm hey! Then back to Jurong to meet Glams for dinner/supper since it was Gary's virgin bookout from SAFTI. To the east for prawning thereafter, then macs for supper! Home at 4am?! Super long Saturday ikr can die.

Concussed till 4pm but still fricking tired. Simple mothers' day dinner because bro had to be in camp and booked out only at 7pm! Visited gramm, then back home? Oh ya, and gramm was playing dot-to-dot, how cute is that?!

Anyhow it's really a bitch of the weather these days really cannot take it damn it. I'm stuffing myself with hot fudge sundae as I'm typing this post now, plain awesome! :D

Okay, very sleepy now I feel like a pig.

because for me it happens all the time.

2011-05-09T14:30:00.005+08:00

I thought I just miss going out on dates, miss hooking arms and holding hands with someone, miss holding someone by the waist, miss having someone holding me close enough for comfort, miss someone giving me a light peck on my forehead, miss tilting my head the way I do it best and stare intensively at someone in that silly manner, miss having a shoulder to lean on when I'm tired, miss going to the movies, miss smiling or laughing at my blackberry because of the silly texts, miss falling asleep knowing you're on someone's mind, miss staring deeply into someone's eyes and be completely comfortable with that silence, miss...basically everything that we used to share.

But at the end of the day, I realised...it's not exactly these lil stuffs that I miss. All in all, I realised I just really miss you. The last time I've been to the movie was that very Tuesday. Thereafter we were texting casually and you told me about Summer blockbusters, with the only difference being...we're not catching them together anymore. There are certainly lotsa stuffs that I have to slowly adapt to, and I'm still trying.

At least right now, when texts take hours to come in, I feel better about it alrdy. I no longer find it that hard to hold back and make sure I don't double-text you. No, and it definitely isn't about ego issue, I just don't want to be a nuisance. And I'm coping better for I no longer talk about it that much to people around me. Instead, I've learnt to just suck it up. I'd say I've been accustomed to it, more or less. Either the pain has became less intense, or I'm alrdy used to it.

I miss you alrdy.

And that, I wonder if you'd ever know. I wonder what is it that's going through your mind the whole time. I'm getting so tired of guessing yet I'm not going, anywhere. I remember how you told me you'd be much more free since you got posted to a________. Whenever I think back about those stuffs you've said, I die a lil more knowing I dropped that bomb. Would things have been different? You're leaving alrdy, for 10 days. The last time we lost contact for 10 days, you came back confused and stuffs but things were definitely better than how it is now. I wonder when you return at the end of the month, how much different would things be.

Honestly, I often wonder does it bother you the least bit? I guess I don't dare to know. You said we'd prolly go USS after your trip, would we ever make it there? Do you still remember the ice cream deal? Everything. Silly but I secretly wish I come across your mind sometimes, because for me it happens all the time.

One week to your departure, god knows when till we meet again.

Just cut the pretense alrdy

2011-05-06T14:31:00.003+08:00

When would I ever have enough of all the false strong front that I've been trying to put up? What's with the attempt to save myself, just what was I thinking then?! Idk if I'd say I actually regretted doing so, but one thing for sure is that I wish yknow what's exactly going on in my mind. The intention isn't really much of moving on. That's not the whole idea. No one is to be forced into something we're not ready for, and that any decision made should be according to one's prerogative. And most of the time, we choose to be selfish and put our own interest before anyone else's. That's human and no one is to be blamed for that.

People often lie to protect themselves, or for no reason at all. I've been lying quite as much lately by simply saying "I'm fine." Truth be told, I'm not. I can't be anymore of a wreck srsly but I'm really trying to keep myself sane, and I believe I'm holding up fine.

What comforts me and keeps me going are those texts from day to day, even if it's just one or two? Silence scares me most of the time and I get really creeped out and feel really eaten up. Comparing to how it was a couple of weeks or months back I'm really better alrdy, just not well enough yet. I figure I could really keep going on like this. I'm not in a rush, I'm comfortable with what I have and what I am right now. Anything is fine, so long as it doesn't stop.

Yes these are my deepest thoughts, I'm done pretending. Pretending I'm all well. Isn't my fault to still feel down, so what am I supposed to do when I'm this down? It's not about time, they say to give it time. I'm trying to embrace every moment I don't want to let it slip. I hope you don't think I'm really moving on because I'm not. I still remember everything we shared and reading that line over again still hurts the same as day one. "Thanks for all the memories too!" – they say memory become a thing of the past, one you revisit but not feel anymore, and I'm scared.

I really shouldn't have, maybe things would have been harder on me but better than now. Whatever it is, what's done can't be undone. I'm not numb to this pain, just trying to make the best out of it.

*****

On a side note, I look at my diary and look back at what happened the past few months, life's really mundane. At least right now, I'm trying to make some concrete plans to go on a getaway alrdy so yay me. I need to go away for a bit.

Would you miss me when I'm gone? Because I would, and I still do.

No I'm not pinning hopes and lifting them high up, it's just me and I figure I'd just be like this.

It's just today I'm letting go...

2011-05-04T17:23:00.003+08:00

of my emotions, that is.

Feels like I've really been bottling up too much I'm close death alrdy. No, it's definitely not one of those desultory thoughts just because I've got nothing much at work. In fact, I have this really long list of customers to call but I've got no drive in accomplishing it and not because I'm just a temp and it doesn't really matter. Thing is, it matters but I just can't do it. I'm not trying to be irresponsible and all, I'm actually quite thankful that I'm not exactly in the workforce yet because with the current situation I'm in, my work performance is prolly pit bottom.

Then again, that's not my point.

*****

I've been in this really confused state of mind of late. I'd be lying if I say idk what's troubling me and that I just keep whining and feeling all terrible within me. Yes, for the past couple of months, I've been that liar, but oh well, people definitely seen through me. While for some other, I guess the pain behind the smile that I've been putting up has been rather well concealed thus far.

The reason why I don't have much of a qualm posting and ranting in this space because only a few really read/know of my blog. As for my Tumblr, I reblog stuffs that I can almost feel that physical pain in my heart. So that pretty much sums up what I've been going through.

Excruciating pain.

So many times I attempted to save myself, to bail out and to do anything so long as things would and could be made much better for me. But you know what? At the end of the day I realised I've been going in circles, and then now what, I'm still at where I started off, knowingly. I just refuse to shift far away, or rather, I don't even want to budge.

I question myself too, you don't have to ask. The answer is simple enough, the answer remains all this while isn't my unwilling to let go, but my willing to hold on. You get it? Never mind if you don't, I'm not expecting anyone to, either. I know it myself and that's good enough.

However, along the way, among all the waiting, I wonder if you know how much it's hurting. Maybe you don't, or just maybe, you actually do. Either you can't help it but to carry on hurting or you just don't bother. But it doesn't really matter.

Look over your shoulder,

2011-05-04T14:03:00.002+08:00

just to see for yourself who always has your back, and who is going after you so that they could be there just in time to cushion your fall. These are the people we usually take for granted, and for a few, we don't even realise their existence. Silly much? The way we always keep our focus up front, chasing after something/someone and often neglect those who really care and missing that particular someone who you truly deserve. Then again? Talk is cheap. Because at the end of the day, no one really bothers to stop and turn around, not even for a short glance. We hardly want to lose sight of what we are going after, no?

The only time we prolly notice that someone else if when we really fall and then you realised someone's there to give you a tap on your shoulder from the back, sit down right beside you and then to get you back on your feet when you find it so hard to get right back up.

But yknow what's the saddest part? Most often than not, you go right down that same route that made you fall. This time round, it's no longer a mistake, it's a choice you've made for yourself. So when will the day come, the day when you get really worn out and just want to throw in the towel?

P.S Just some random thoughts all over, go figure.

Hello May,

2011-05-03T11:11:00.003+08:00

so gone is April, the month I thought was gonna be good. To sum it all up, it was all but yet another roller coaster ride and I really don't like it that much. I wonder how would May turn out to be like. Truthfully, I don't quite like the May feeling, I have this weird fuzzy feeling all over, hoping I can just skip this month.

Looking back, it's been nearly 6 months since A's ended. The crazy mugging sessions are long over, a thing of yesterday - so distant. Was at Starbucks with bestf khy at McDonald's @ Pioneer Mall last weekend late night and I realised, I really miss studying. Was chilling till past 2am, and it was like memories overload. The A'level monster's presence is no longer here. Anyw they revamped so it's not that conducive for mugging sessions anymore. More of chill and relax, would prolly fall asleep studying. And friendly uncle isn't working there, anymore?!

So yup, back to the point. Yet another month passed just like this, and I haven't been progressing. I really dislike this feeling very much. One thing to really look forward to this month is my TP! :) Yay I just want to get it done once and for all. Been going for so many driving lessons it's driving me insane alrdy. I don't wanna go BBDC anymore! Anyw, I was trying to book a revision lesson next week, anytime before my TP but there's no slot alrdy?! Wth la?!

Now, any kind souls wanna lend me their Honda Jazz(manual)?!?!?!! :D

I think I'm quite good a driver. I only mounted kerb once, okay, at most twice. Really!

Anyw, I really find it pathetic. It's May alrdy and I'm still stuck in this lil red dot. Just when am I ever going away huh?! Damn sick of sg alrdy, I don't even mind going to Genting now I swear! Let's hope FFFF's big plan materialise heheh. And now that Mello isn't going Korea alrdy maybe we can go bkk/hongkong! I wanna go on a cruise too can?! Still waiting for Debs to go on our before-school-starts trip in early July yay! So now, let's talk about the saving plan HAHA. Anyone wants to contribute to the Nicole's getaway(s) fund? :D

Unproductive much

2011-04-29T10:03:00.002+08:00

My official working hour is from 08:30am-06:00pm with an hour lunch break. I have a long list of 2000 odd customers to call but I'm barely hitting 100 despite being back for 3 days. AND I FINALLY FIGURED WHY. I take like 15mins to enter the system and whatnot. And open hell lotsa windows - facebook, tumblr, blogs, google, online shops, straitstimes... Given my short attention span, I get bored really soon and then sleepy spell kicks in. Oh, and in between I get texts on my BlackBerry and start replying.

Srsly unproductive much?! Furthermore, my inbound call priority is lowered so I can make more outbound calls but what?! I'm not progressing. I wonder why they even keep me here omg. Well... I think I should buck up and be a better employee. Hey, but at least I haven't been late alrdy okay?!

On a really random note, I really like my hair now. When I blow them, that is. The next time I cut my hair, shall be... 6 months later? Heheh. It's been 6 months since my last haircut anyw! Patience is a virtue isn't it?

Okay, I shall get cracking now bye.

Favourite post-it notes

2011-04-28T14:05:00.006+08:00

Yes, this is my third post for the day. I just have to put my thoughts into words somewhere, and I figured this is the only outlet. Feels like all but a verbal vomit but I don't care. I like blogging, in fact, I really love blogging. Not the process of transforming my thoughts into words actually, more of the process of reading back these posts and realising how ridiculously random can I ever get. Of desultory thought much? I'm liking it that way, it's me. Like at this moment I can be telling you about my most terrible heartache then a cheerful thought or a bag that caught my eye can just interrupt my train of thought, srsly! It's not because I cannot multi-task, and not that I'm not really heartbroken, it's just like that.

Back to the title of this entry... I really miss pasting post-its all over my personal noticeboard in my room, on my friend's diaries and anywhere random at all. Above all, I miss passing post-its to Jingle. Remember those days in college, we pass post-its almost daily, over super random stuffs that still crack me up when I read them now. Yes, I still keep them. I'm not exactly a very organised person with a box of stuffs solely from college, secondary or whatnot. I know exactly where those post-its are. In that pink box in my pinkbox(my room), if you get it.

I miss all my friends a whole lot. Not because we're drifiting apart. Physically yes maybe, because we are all at different phase in life, with most of them schooling. Some working and yes, army. The boys, sighs. I guess this is a test that life has to put us through - only to make you realise who exactly are the ones when y'all go through this phase. Yes, through it all. Not getting over it, like pretending it dint happen.

Which is why, I'm especially glad for Glams. I'd say that is one friendship that been through the most. Like, within Glams itself and between the individuals. If I could, I would stick a post-it almost every now and then in their houses or anywhere, so that they'd know they really, do have this part of my heart for them to keep. They are my childhood besties, I would not trade anything in the world for, even through the lowest times we've encountered or would ever be encountering.

Next up, FFFF. It's really amazing how we'd maintain this bond even up till now. I believe none of you expected this when we first got together. We always have this much to say when we come to this topic. I know you fatties know it best - distance doesn't really matter right? See where we are today! And we're gonna go on a getaway together, I really hope it materialises!

For Debs, I can never be thankful enough for her presence through college(the repeated years) and everything else that came along the way. We no longer meet day in day out as school's out, but we know this friendship is here to stay. Never thankful enough for staying truest to ourselves, no? Talking about school days feels really sick for us thanks to the never-ending dramas. We've been through it and emerged stronger so yay Debs!

Mello, since secondary 1 no? It can be said we almost grew up together, next to Glams, been through almost all kinda transitions together too. Aren't exactly the heart-to-heart talk kinda friendship initially cos most of the time is happy-go-lucky but still, definitely one on the BFF(s).

AND TO THE MANY MANY OTHERS WHO REALLY MATTER, BUT I'M LAZY TO BLOG ALRDY. One day I'd read back this post and y'all will still come across my mind, definitely. (Right now, I'm thinking of the e4 clique who's always bringing laughters. Where art thou)

Good old school days...

2011-04-28T11:26:00.003+08:00

I've realised what's the purpose of photos, srsly... Looking through them simply evoke so much emotions, feels almost real and brings you a literal walk down memory lane.

I miss school days...

The vicious cycle of struggling to get out of bed early in the morning, hitting the snooze button on the alarm countless times(yes, another 5 mins but you don't jump up not for the eleventh hour. Plead guilty, people), drawing the uniform from the wardrobe, getting changed, pulling your hair back into a ponytail and fixing it with an elastic(and get really cranky for bad hair days and then brushed it off almost immediately cos "it's just school anyw" and I love high ponytail btw!), grabbing your bagpacks, slipping on your socks and shoes and off you go!

I remember exactly how I always have to sprint to that bus stop to catch that bus to the train station. Maybe that's how I secretly keep fit. Like 150m dash every morning(and another 150m dash to school, that stupid long stretch). Or best, when I miss the bus, I run to the train station. I guess hockey trainings served me well! :) It's worse on training days actually, with a hockey stick hooked on my backpack(like how hockers do it), hugging my shoe bag... Well nobody cares anything about image that much no?

Almost always the last few in the queue at the parade square in the morning. Making through the gate just before the bell goes off - that feeling is as if you finished a marathon. That happens on a daily basis for me...

Then I got even more lazy. Planning just enough time to get up, wash up, and go. Get a cab at least 17mins before 07:40am and praying my whole journey to school. The KJE is my favourite expressway, cab drivers speed up to 120kmph to get me to school (Y) Traffic at Teck Whye is really a bitch in the morning, with 4-5 schools clustered together?!! Then, they shifted morning assembly to 07:50am and that meant 10mins extra sleep :D

Along the way things just get out of hand! Gradually, I started waking up to Deb's frequent calls asking if I was going to school or was I late and I think she got sick of the usual replies of "OMG?! What time is it, I just woke!" HAHA.

2009 was a year of fun I swear, climbing over the school fence to get out cos the official dismissal time is 3 hours after the time lessons end for me.(life of a retainee, yes.) Or climbing in way past assembly time cos lessons don't start for us till then, and sitting in the cafe/canteen just passing time. Full of dramas in college, yet I wouldn't trade anything in the world for them.

I have so much to just go on and on with regards to school days... Those get-fat sessions with FFFF in 2008, and everything else.

Shall continue when I get this overwhelmed again then!

Financial consultant anyone?

2011-04-28T10:19:00.003+08:00

Sheesh, this title sounds totally technical and whatever. But I really do need one now! Say, to do out a budget plan for me and ensuring I don't overspend. I've been spending like I'm living off a sugar daddy I swear. Two and a half weeks of not working caused a massive permanent damage to my pocket I swear.

Think:

#1 wisdom teeth extraction ($800/tooth) - okay, even though I dint exactly have to fork out that money myself but still.

#2 DRIVING LESSONSSSSS!!!

#3 online shopping

#4 countless venti(s) from Starbucks I think I topped up over a hundred bucks that two weeks?!

#5 Prada

#6 short handle Le Pliage

#7 Topshop! (okay no complaints about this)

#8 Books (yes like 200$ worth of them I swear)

#9 manicures
............(miscellaneous)

Okay, shall not go on alrdy frick. I'm not high maintenance la k, just pampering myself abit. I mean like, I've worked hard for it okay so don't judge. And no, I really don't have a sugar daddy. Now I need to save up for my new laptop. Shall get it in June. :) If yknow me well enough, it's easier than ABC to know which laptop I've got in mind! Hmmm, should I get a iPod classic?

Speaking of gadgets, I haven't got my Blackberry Torch?! :( Singtel up the additional top-up to $200 for re-contracting less than 21 months. Totally not worth it, shall bear with my bold 2 for another 2 months. July, July!! See my planned expenditures?! Kill me alrdy, right now!

I really need to save up! That shall be one of my resolutions? Sounds like a good idea uh. I'm gonna get busy in June. Gonna start tutoring a friend's sister, woah. Nicole teaching tuition, something new.

Oh, and getaway with Debs/FFFF... Now I really need a sugar daddy HAHA

Okay shall stop ranting. But I just got reminded, Mothers' Day is coming too. Really hate it how I have this stupid habit of having a lot of one thing. At the same time, I can't help it how?! Just shut up alrdy I know. And oh! I haven't replaced my agnes b earstud that I've lost. See, another potential damage to be done. I lost it in 4 days yknow?! I've never lost a earstud I swear, I mean, how is it even possible right?!

Getting very lengthy alrdy this post bye.

I should just stop blogging.

2011-04-27T15:47:00.004+08:00

(edited/)

Should just stop totally. Urgh, forget it. Bye. I don't have a space of my own at all.

Okay no, I'm not gonna stop blogging. It's my personal ranting ground after all right?

Happy pills for happy thoughts!

2011-04-27T12:09:00.007+08:00

Hey I'm back in PML today! :) It's like, something new all over again and I'm quite liking that. Okay I know I keep saying "I quite like/liking ____." recently but idk why. I just like it. And I've got a mirror on my desk, my colleagues placed it there for me, cos I'm too vain? So yes, I glance to my right every now and then only to see my (chubby) face. Sighs, I really wonder when will the swell be completely gone :(

They say with wisdom teeth removed, your jaw line becomes narrower, so does the cheek bone! So hopefully I'd only look sharper after the swell is gone k can't wait! Right now my face is just abit weird, cos my left is more swollen :( Just when can I stop blogging about my swellface huh?! It's annoying the hell out of me alrdy yknow?

My colleagues say I look better like this now, chubbier and cuter(NOT!). I don't want that, srsly. I look like a joke alrdy please. And I'm still feeling the stitches in my mouth. Just when will the swell be gone hello?! Ey, I'm like talking to myself here and I really really like this feeling! :D

Oh ya, before I digress... I managed to get out of bed on time despite sleeping past 1am! Had the luxury of time to detour to 7eleven at Shell station to grab my bottled Starbucks Dark Chocolate Mocha too! :) How nice. Bumped into this colleague from sales and he actually asked for my number? How weird. Hello, I'm only 20 I can't afford a BMW HAHA wrong target customer.

Okay, I can't stand looking into the mirror and at my chubby face now, it's pissing me off. The swell looks like I've been through some plastic surgery heheh. Actually, I secretly went to get botox done, tried to make a dimple and do a face uplift la. Exposed! HAHA

I can't stand myself anymore this is super lame just kill me alrdy?

*****

Just had lunch with bangs, been so long! :) Hi bangs if you're reading this. So now you've heard the freakiest and weirdest story ever uh? Heheh.

Before I forget again, I'm really thrilled for the getaway that's gonna materialise for FFFF! :D We should totally go away soon! Phuket, Bali, Redang, Bangkok, whatever. The four of us need time to just ourselves yay! (Y)

Very bored now omg. Got a list of 2007 customers to clear up :( Oh, and the new supervisor looks really friendly btw! Gonna get cracking now bye.

(looks for promotions for getaway online too heheh and abit of shopping yay)

P.S reading the title of this post. Hmmm... Remember how I was once your happy pill cos like you've said I'm damn bimbotic all with my silly antics, am I, still?

Bubble balloons

2011-04-26T23:28:00.003+08:00

Hi! I'm back from my long day of shopping yay. Happy with my loots though I did some serious damage to my pocket! :) Nevermind, am going back to work tmrw alrdy anyw. So yay just happily rewarded myself with a new wallet with my pay! Met Debs in town like after so long omg?! :D Visited a few boutique before finally deciding which to get. Massive headache okay!

Oh ya, did I mention, I went for my review? And apparently the stitches aren't meant to be removed cos it'd dissolve over time. Say three weeks? I told my dentist they feel like feelers and so he scheduled for me to have them removed next Tuesday! :) Can't take them out now else the wound would tear and my mouth would be bloody and blood would drip from the corner of my mouth :D HAHA

And also, my dentist apparently loves torturing me. Okay no. It's cos I really feel very terrible. He's been waiting to adjust my lower right molar for the longest time and finally with the wisdom tooth gone, he can finally shift it. So now everything in my mouth is so tight it hurts like a bitch. And I have to put double elastics! Imagine how tight it is, srsly?! And my swell hasn't really gone down! Can't believe I'm going through all these just for my two rows of teeth. But yay I can remove my braces really soonnnnn! :D Been two years odd yknow?!

Okay sorry don't get too bored of my daily rants I shall stop. Oh, I'm going back to work at PML tmrw! Shall be on time. :) Time for bed soon so sleepy alrdy.

If only every day is so carefree with the only thing to fret over is what brand of wallet to get, followed by which colour instead of all the complicated heart matters.

Because srsly, you don't simply walk in and out of people's lives as and when you wish and demand the way you want to be treated. Yknow why? These are the kind of people whom deserve no respect from me at all, let alone let them dictate the way I want to live my life.

-

2011-04-26T00:37:00.007+08:00

Just dint feel like having any title at all for this post for it'd just be yet another compilation of my ridiculously random thoughts. At sucha hour, ikr. It's 01:31am now btw.

I have to savour the last bit of my prolonged happiness cos I'm gonna have to wake up as early as 06:45am daily for work alrdy :'( Sighs, time to bid farewell to sleeping in till daybreak and sun seeps in my curtains for quite awhile alrdy. Plus I aint gonna take leave in May alrdy cos I've had too long a holiday. Totally spillover for a week?! Shall not try to push my luck uh! But I really want to go on a getaway I swear. AND! I have a ridiculously long to-buy list. So? FML.

Looking back at the past few months and am pretty much appalled by my expenditure but we shall not go into that okay! :) Retail therapy is good and healthy, so no regrets. Plus I'm really proud to say I funded like 80% of my driving lessons! Independence at 20 yay, Nicole! Can't wait for TP now and start driving :D Yknow the feeling of stepping on the accelerator?! Pure dope. And, I'm going shopping with Debs tmrw, can't wait!

Life's been good so far, I'd say. I've set certain things right again I like it that way. When things are in control and to keep myself sane. It scares the hell out of me when I'm losing it. Hello, I'm not a control freak I just need to have a grip of myself at times!

Pretty much contented with everything as of now, and I believe things would only get better? :) Idk if it's too late but one of my resolutions now would be to be on time for work when I resume work all over again. I'd say I've been tad too lucky, shan't keep pushing my luck!

Okay, I sound very optimistic today, totally contrasting what I've expected this post to be and I like that very much.

Goodnights people. Have a fulfilling week ahead, we're almost done with Monday blues! (Well, not me cos my Monday was awesome!) Speaking of which, I just have to go into what I did today! Slept in(yay, I like that very much!), went for manicure and then chilled at Starbucks, read and people-watched. Again, totally therapeutic! :D

I wonder who really reads this little space and entertain my non-stop random musing. Thank you if you're reading this, I appreciate that! But please don't probe too much in the ambiguity that I'd like to maintain at times.

I feel like I'm talking to the wall sometimes, like how I'd lay in bed and stare into my pink ceiling and start talking to myself. Totally not freaky k sometimes you just need to let that inner voice in you out abit heheh

OH! And I'm going for review to remove the stitches in my mouth tmrw yay! Exciting much, I wonder how does it feel like heheh. I still look abit swollen though, more chubby than usual, I don't quite like that. I prefer the sharper jawline, like who doesn't?! Hope the swell goes away soon, together with the bruises! Bedtime alrdy, srsly. Byeeeee.

P.S Thanks for staying. xx

Just a lil bit more...?

2011-04-25T01:58:00.002+08:00

Honestly, just who am I kidding? No one else but myself. Define stronger? Can we do a rewind? I think I'd really make do with it best now.

Please stay k, all I need is for you to stay. In that silence, I realised that's all that I've ever needed. Lost and confused about the direction we're headed, one thing for sure is I'm here to stay. Just need to know you aint exactly going anywhere else but here.

Wrong turns,

2011-04-24T22:24:00.003+08:00

just how many more to take?

Someone once so important to you in your life, been there day in day out regardless physically or not, you just know that someone would always be there. Be there as in just a phonecall away, or at least, yknow you're never forgotten. Maybe for a bare few moments when fatigue or the busy schedule got him carried away, but never for long. You still get a phonecall or simple text at the end of the day and that'd suffice more than anything else.

What if one day, you wake up to horror. Like "BAM!", it hit you so hard that all of a sudden, you're suddenly on your own struggling so hard to get back on your own feet. After a few attempts, you finally managed to pick yourself up, only to find yourself still toppling and stumbling at certain instances. And do ever you figure why? At this point, it's time to just turn your head around, look back, you haven't moved far from the starting point. Getting up on your own feet is one thing, get started and moving is another. Get it?

Should've known

2011-04-21T22:07:00.002+08:00

Just why? Is it true that was exactly what I wanted at that point in time? Just why would I be feeling the way that I am right now then. Nobody can tell me why. It all lies in me.

I kinda either messed things up or idk what else alrdy. Right now, idk what to think anymore. Shall just stop thinking.

Anyw, it feels kinda good to just stay home the whole day and bumming around. My mom says my swollen face is scaring her abit. And she kept asking like, am I serious it's okay to extract all four at once. Hello mom?! I alrdy did it and I'm alive.

I hope the swell goes away tmrw sighs :( Just for how long do I have to stay home? :\ I've got a lot of random cravings now. Icecream especially, frozen yogurt, cream, cakes, anything soft and doesn't require chewing.

Okay, I'm gonna ice my swollen cheeks now bye.

aftermath of wisdom teeth surgery

2011-04-21T11:57:00.002+08:00

I've got quite a swellface now :( to think I thought it was alrdy bad enough last night, I was apparently so very wrong! I woke up as if I got punched in my sleep, srsly not exaggerating at all! I had actually wanted to go out today luh, wth? So there goes all my plans urgh. I shall ~~hide~~stay at home and take care of my swollen face. Some stupid anti-swelling medicine, I doubt they even help at all?!! I have the urge to just take 10 at once - overdosage HAHA. But who knows, then it may really help?! ;)

I'm getting really cranky cos I feel like half a handicapped now. It doesn't hurt la actually, not at all but I'm taking the painkillers just for the sake of it cos apparently it's anti-inflammation also so yup! Is it me or the medicine making me drowsy I feel like sleeping.

Feels like I'm pretty much talking to myself over here, hmmm?

Did I mention? I really can't eat at all?! Like, I can only open my mouth no more than 2.5cm cos of the swell and I'm not supposed to drink by a straw. So yea, liquid diet for the next one week or so. Srsly, best weight loss programme? Eat one meal a day for about 4 days before the surgery and do some running, then go on a pure liquid diet after the surgery - soup, milk, milo, anything! For me I think I'm sticking with milk. It's like yummm and super chilled kind!

Oh, and I think you'd need to extract 4 at once to go through what I am going through. Because apparently if you extract on one side, you can actually still eat with the opposite side?

Okay, am really drowsy/sleepy alrdy I hope I can sleep the swell off. Bye for now.

Cliche but how very true,

2011-04-20T22:24:00.003+08:00

what's meant to be will always find its way. Some things are just that unexplainable I guess? I know it's only human to pass judgment and be critical at times, but there's just this much you can influence the opposite's opinion of anything at all. It all depends not on how persuasive you are but how easily swayed the opposite is.

I do wonder if I even did the right thing but felt like that's the only thing that I could have done to make things better, for myself. I need to save and protect myself else nobody else would. Thought of the various possible "what if(s)" and "might be(s)" but then...? Idk what to feel actually. Never too good to be left hanging isn't it.

Ironic how some people or some things can really cheer you up instantly like none other can, and at the same time bring you down like no one else can as well. Part of life, no?

At the same time, I really do wonder if I've actually messed things up :/ oh well

*****

So anyw, just as I was ranting about my f21 loots last night, I collected them today so yay! (Y) So I got a leopard preenz romper HAHA and a pink floral top. See, I still love floral prints very much, not forgetting polkadots! :D

And I'm done with my wisdom teeth surgery. Painless, including the administering of anaesthetic. But now, I feel like I'm being punched in the face. No running for a few days, anything that increase the heartbeat is no-no because that would increase speed of blood flow as well! I think I bled a lot today alrdy :( I've got stitches in my mouth but I can't show you guys cos I can't even open my mouth wide I swear.

See, see, see! Me and my random musing of my mundane life. Now for some serious thoughts... When should I even get back to work huh?! My MC ends this Sunday actually. Okay enough said, I'm gonna be sleeping the pain off now goodnights, bye! :)

P.S it certainly feels weird not wishing/being wished "goodnights". But oh well?

Where are my loots?!

2011-04-19T22:24:00.002+08:00

Did I mention? I bought(yes, "bought" since I paid for it alrdy?) some stuffs from this Forever21 spree but like, I forgot what items are they and like, I don't even know which spree I joined cos I bought it when I was online at work and I dint bookmark the page? I received an email on my bb say last week regarding the status of the parcel but I accidentally deleted it. Oh great! Now I just have to wait for surprise? HAHA I think I'm sucha joke please.

Ain't going nowhere

2011-04-19T21:33:00.002+08:00

Staying put, standing here at standstill. I've got no idea how and why is it that I'd always end up eating up my own words. I wonder if I'm still taking those baby steps still.

*****

And it's official, I'm getting sick of bumming around. And hey tmrw is wisdom teeth surgery. Wish me luck and hope I survive! I'd just survive on milk tmrw onwards and be a milk teeth baby for at least a week. I wonder how's the pain gonna be like...on a scale of 1-10 hmmm? Quite curious alrdy. Shall just get it over and done with else my ortho treatment isn't going anywhere also.

Today's itinerary was really bad. Driving back-to-back and then to town alone. Shopping alone definitely cause much more damage. And my phone was on silent the whole day. (Y) The sun was being a bitch srsly I could have died. Chilling at Starbucks and people-watching. Wanted to sit outdoors but the pigeons were scaring me abit, they're really ~~shameless~~scary hmmm! Like, they flock on the same table you're seated! Scary or scary?! Omgosh.

Was whatsapping Percie & Tsa and arranged for an impromptu running session with Per so off I go back home! :)

Ey sheesh my blog becoming a mundane ranting space about my daily life alrdy cannot, cannot! It's getting almost boring.

I'll go anywhere.

2011-04-18T23:32:00.002+08:00

Life's been good for the past week or so. No work, just OTOT though pretty much of my time is dedicated to driving. I'm getting really sick of travelling to and fro bbdc alrdy honestly. But yay guess what, I can finally get my TP date this Thursday! (hops around with joy) I really hate going driving after work, so yes must complete driving by this week. Then I wonder, would I still be able to manage given my wisdom teeth surgery is on Wednesday? Well...

Okay, so last week was practically driving and idk what else? Idk how I let one week past just like that either. Let me recall?...

Monday - driving, submit timesheet, chilling at Starbucks and meet-up with Jingle and bangs! Like after so long, yes more for the former. It's been ages since we last met and Faz just had to forget about our get-fat session :(

Tuesday - driving(again?!), rot at home and waited for yf to book out then town for dinner, yogurt feast(damn phail) and movie. We missed the actual movie btw HAHA.

Wednesday - driving(what's new srsly?!), met Chai for lunch, driving(AGAIN), roamed abit around town, Val came over and went partying at Rebel.

Thursday - wisdom teeth extraction fail. Damn scared I swear. Lamented and stuffs then decided to postpone, plus I dint want to be a swellface. What did I do in the end? Oh! Town with Percie! That girl woke up super early wanting to accompany for extraction! Sweet. And damage done to my wallet.

Friday - driving(wtf?! I'm getting really sick of typing this), went home, faded in and out of my lil naps, yf came over, picked a dress, lazed and then off for his Social Night.

Saturday - stupid rainy day had me trapped at home the whole day then off to town in the late afternoon. Oh and James gave me eleven frolick 1-for-1 coupons! It'd serve me well after my extraction yay. Went to sogurt to find debs also. Then Val called, impromptu plan to zouk. Cabbed to her house with debs and waited for her to change and stuffs, partied, bumped into bestf(khy) and a few other...

Sunday - Slept in, lazed, accompanied b for haircut...

Woah, great I suddenly realised I've met quite a lot of people whom I haven't really been meeting last week?! Okay not bad, quite an achievement alrdy yay! :D say, my "holiday" isn't exactly wasted.

This week, would be some alone time. It's really therapeutic! Like today, it was driving, coffeebean, driving, home, running, workout and here I am! :) What about tmrw hmmm? And Wednesday is the dreaded wisdom teeth surgery urgh, shall get it over and done with! I shall take the chance to shed some kilos heheh

Long weekend this week but I don't feel the thrill cos I've got no work at all! And my boss asks me to fix a date to go back to work only when I'm done with my surgery so shall bum around till then!

This is getting really lengthy and mundane alrdy bye.

Pinky promise.

2011-04-18T00:51:00.003+08:00

I have no idea what explains for the title of this post. Random musing sums it up pretty well I guess. Today, was what felt like a walk down memory lane and making me wonder what could have been.

*****

I sit here on my bed, not being able to fall asleep with myriad of feelings overwhelming me. I.don't.know.what.to.do.

And I srsly hate this feeling of being lost and aimless.

Looking back I wonder what is it that has been going wrong for the past few months of my life. I need a re-orientation to set my life straight again, and to figure out a direction. I'm really sick of living through the motions and taking things as they come. It's just so not me.

Whatever happened to making plans and setting things right? I really wonder. Something needs to be done. I need to let go of stuffs that get me down so I'd get back up on my feet.

With that said, I'm gonna try to get some sleep right now. I really just need a good night's sleep.

Even at confusion, I understand.

2011-04-08T17:43:00.002+08:00

This whole week has been crazily hectic. Not cos I was busy hitting town every other day after work, but I've been practically working, driving and running! Yes running, I wonder what's with me and my healthy lifestyle lately. Last night was way more crazy, I ran for an hour around the whole estate. Great adrenaline rush I'd say.

Oh, and I just got informed I'm confirmed extending woah?! Okay, it's 10 past 6, won't be here till the 20th till then! :) It's time to breathe, I hope! Starbucks, coffee, novel, gossip, people-watch. Sweet.

Sometimes you rather feel hurt than nothing.

2011-04-06T16:34:00.004+08:00

Trust me, any feelings beat feeling numb and emotion-less. Scary much no? Bangs told me over lunch today, to just do anything or everything I want to do right now - when numb. Cos then at this standstill, I've got nothing to lose. True that, but idk why am I hesitant. Feels like I'm living in denial, and this is very bad. And hey, I'm honestly not trying to sound so emo here okay. Just have a lot going through my mind lately, really! Don't judge. Somehow, I can't seem to understand what's happening now. Like, am I simply carrying on with a game of pretense or am I just being paranoid, what's new? Though I'm secretly hoping it's the latter.

I'm just thinking, if I should unlock my twitter. Super random right? For purpose I don't even know. This is just me, with my endless random thoughts. Okay am not gonna unlock cos then I can filter people from my social circle HAHAH more of my ranting ground for any trivial matters at all I think?

Anyhow, I'm really very bored right now. Just had a short discussion with my boss about the extension of contract and my planned leave and etc. Even though I'm going for a break, I look at my schedule for next week and the first thing I do is to sigh, because I'm dedicating all my time to driving :( Like right smack in the middle of the day wts?! Just what are my brains thinking even?! Oh well, get it over and done with asap it's becoming a burden alrdy urgh!

Things will get better in May I hope? Requested for one whole week off to breathe cos April isn't a breathing month, from what I see. And judging from the schedule, TP on my birthday seems impossible alrdy sighs. See how events don't usually turned out as planned alrdy?! I feel abit angsty now idk why. Need.to.learn.to.breathe!

I blame my teeth for the overwhelming angst! It's so sore and straining I'm having a massive headache :( And as much as I don't want to think about it, my wisdom teeth extraction is next Thursday. Danggggg, meet my doom thanks very much. Apart from the separators and the first week of having braces on, this month is prolly the next that I feel so close to hating being a braceface.

P.S I've got this much to say, you sure I've got nothing to lose? Really hesitant.

Past is a good place to visit,

2011-04-06T11:16:00.004+08:00

but certainly not a good place to stay. Yet it doesn't apply all the time.

Just sometimes, I really just can't see what went wrong. Think I've been blogging abit too much lately, and when that happens, it actually isn't a good thing. It means I've got too much on my mind. Was browsing through photos on Facebook and I realised how much I miss schooling. This whole mundane cycle is killing me, I feel barely alive. School is mundane too but it feels good having a deadline to look forward to. Right now, I'm just living through the motions.

Need to make the best out of everything, yes. Had plans for getaway(s) and everything else but nothing is materialising. This vacation is getting too draggy I cannot take it. I.need.some.concrete.plans.

Was looking forward to the end of my contract at PML and now my boss wants me to extend, which I'm prolly doing so but not without applying for a week's leave in May. So yup, one week off in April, and one week in May. YAY (Y) I really need time for myself, just doing nothing, or doing things I like. Then again, what is it? I've been doing things I have to and it's killing me - driving, working and... Urgh

USS sounds fun, but abit too overrated if you were to go onto Facebook and take a look - the whole world seems to be going/have went. I guess it's the company that matters but right now I just don't have the mood for anything.

*****

I feel like going on a cruise, just sit on the deck, watch the sea and let the day pass. I'm not being emotional la, I just really need to enjoy the slow pace of life. Which is why, I really wish I can re-visit London again.

Speaking of which, I remember it was when I was away in London back then, I made up my mind and somehow face the fact that it'd mean a closure to that chapter then. Sometimes, it feels really good just to take time off and let your mind wander for abit.

People come and go,

2011-04-04T10:10:00.004+08:00

and I cannot be anymore glad that some stay, and made it through the darkest times alongside with me. Going through a rather rough patch right now, but I take comfort knowing that I'd only emerge stronger than before. You may say I'm still living in denial, yet you can't deny that it feels good to be living in your own bubble at times.

Anyw with that aside, yay to last week of work! (Y) Oh, it's 4th April today! Did I mention - that I have this something for doubles? Like 5th May, 6th June... If you get what I mean. This is really random and of no relevance I know.

Right now, am thinking of what to do for the weeks to come, not working and all. Rather hesitant to get a new job. I just really want to feel moving through the motions and living day by day before school starts. The feeling of waking up and not looking forward anything and having no plans, yup that's exactly it.

Then again, I can't proceed without qualms considering many other details, like...I don't exactly know what either. I just know I'd get sick of it soon like how I get sick of work now.

I've guessed as much

2011-04-01T11:17:00.003+08:00

Did I mention? I don't mind, and will just do fine being here at standstill. I mean it :)

Really don't like no lengthy posts.

2011-04-01T10:58:00.002+08:00

Each time i post a long post it's definitely when I'm like confused or whatever I really don't like urgh. Just saying. My greatest flaw/weakness is prolly...(okay they say don't tell else people would take advantage of it!) Defenses, defenses...

Okay I think I'm just very bored at work now and I don't want to flood everyone's twitter timeline so here I am! Meeting bangs for lunch later, yay. Even though we meet almost daily, we've got so much stuffs to talk about. She claims that my life has been too happening, or maybe, it's just the heart.

Okay, 32mins to lunch bye.

Hello April,

2011-04-01T10:19:00.002+08:00

and so this is the long-awaited April, say hi! :) March itself was a hell of roller coaster I swear. Okay, I'm summing March up like it's one whole year. The highlight was prolly the release of A'level results - the whole drama of feeling lost, at crossroad and fear of taking the next step in life. I hate how decisions have to made within a given time constraint. Like, hello?! Wth, I haven't even come to terms with the situation before my eyes yet and you're telling me to move?!! Whatever it is, I was glad I made my very own decision and that marked a closure to that chapter of being unsettled.

And right now? I'd say I'm just wishing for the best. Live life with no regrets, right? Sometimes when you disregard all the "what if(s)", you'd find yourself moving along easier, how true. Just need to breathe and take the step forward, right. Sounds inspirational and philosophical? Prolly one of those random musing moments, because trust me, it's a lot easier said than done. It's the support and the lil push along the way that made things better.

*****

Looking back at the first quarter of my year... It's just been work and more work, I can die of boredom alrdy. It gets really mundane and it gets on my nerves! Also, driving lessons. Ah, now that I look back, I don't have much of a life! Sheesh, too much rantings. Haven't been partying much also, idk why. Debs says blame my office job. Right. The fun just dies off gradually. But oh well, my contract is ending right? ;)

Plan is, finish up driving, chill at Starbucks, read a book(?!?!?!) and just breathe. Definitely therapeutic! And also, make concrete plans for my getaway! Honestly, how does it feel like to travel alone huh? Like, at least there's no one to stop you from impulsive shopping right! (Y) Just saying.

This is really going nowhere. Like how I'm going - nowhere. It's like you're caught in this limbo in life and going through the motions. Crazy this may sound, I actually miss school?

And I just got like a few weird questions on formspring and stuffs, I don't know why and how these people even derive such...(okay, idk what's the appropriate word) but oh well, assumptions? Idk la, very vexed now so shut up. Bye

P.S okay I know I sound like I'm having a major moodswing. Bear with me can, it's just the time of the month, and it's April!

Getaway,

2011-03-31T15:45:00.002+08:00

getaway, getaway, getaway, getaway...

Yes I srsly need to go on a getaway asap I'm close death alrdy. My three and a half months' contract at Performance Motors is finally coming to an end, next Friday yay! :D high time to wake up in the morning, sleep back, sleep in and bum around again hey. Shall just do that for the whole of April! I'm reserving my April for... hmmm? :) enough of random musing, kthxbye!

I might have been in love before,

2011-03-31T12:47:00.007+08:00

but it never felt this strong.

"People so seldom say I love you. And then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you, it doesn't mean that I know you'll never go, only that I wish you don't have to."

Hi boy, come back soon please. This absence is eating me up. I really hope it's been just fatigue that's really overwhelming. Yogurt feasts, shopping trips, sweet treats, movie dates, and everything else. I miss you a whole lot! ♥

March has been a really nasty month. I don't wanna stay confused anymore, and I wish you aren't anymore too. Because the one place that's ever so comfortable to be in is right in your arms and nowhere else.

xoxo

Holding you closer than most.

2011-03-30T12:21:00.003+08:00

When I've decided to take that plunge, I knew this is it. Amazing how things happened, and how we find ourselves in love within such short time frame. Then again, love? Is it too big a word to use, for now? Now you make me second doubt myself abit. Nonetheless, the benefit of doubt has always been with you. Just because, I know I'd need you to be the one there at the end of the day. It may sound totally absurd and ridiculous but yes, just so yknow, I really like you. So just make me feel assured that this is going somewhere and not nowhere? Just so much stuffs I've been bottling up, I really wanna open up to you. So yup, spare me abit of your time will you? ♥

At my lowest and most vulnerable,

2011-03-17T17:33:00.002+08:00

I hate it. Hate to be nothing but a sickly cat. The gag reflex I get each time I pop the pills into my mouth, like eww max just kill me alrdy. Hate to be that dumb crybaby everytime I fall sick. But because I feel so unwell that I can't put my feelings into words but to express them as tears. Above all, I know I have to learn to take care of myself and be that bit more independent so as to make things a lot easier. As much as I know how much I need and want to be pampered, I have to learn how to look after myself before anyone else will.

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

2011-03-17T17:19:00.002+08:00

I'm just a fat and depressed girl :( Why am I even gaining fats and putting on weight when I don't consume as much alcohol anymore? I hate work, hate eating and sitting in the office. Fml. Diet plan starts now.

The last person I'd ever wanna become

2011-03-03T16:06:00.002+08:00

Was talking to bangs over lunch yesterday and she made me realise how I'm about to transform to this last person I'd ever want to be. It's really creepy, trust me on that. That insecurity, that paranoia. I don't want to mess things up, I hope yknow somehow.

At the crossroad of life.

2011-03-03T15:49:00.002+08:00

Hi, just as I thought I'm gonna be a boring girl by numbering her blog post, I realised the above title fits best right now. Yes omgosh GASP! It's the release of A'level results tmrw and guess what, idk what am I supposed to feel. Okay, let's put that aside. What's done is done I just have to face the music and receive the verdict tmrw.

I actually miss the way I open my eyes daily and falling back to sleep if I realise it's too early to get out of bed. I'd definitely love to relive those days when my current contract ends! :) Yay. I need a break, need to go on a getaway and everything possible, before I even move on to the next phase of life. I'm at this crossroad and I feel really lost. There are so many "what if(s)" going through my mind right now. But oh well!

Anyw, work has been... Hmmm?

Okay, I'm damn bored alrdy, this is super anti-climax. I'm back to my random musing that I find myself ridiculous babbling nonsense like this. Okay, abrupt closure, bye.

That indescribable blood tie.

2011-02-28T16:28:00.002+08:00

I've never seen my bro being so critical about people I go out with and people I meet. All these don't seem to even bother him at all before the heartbreak I went through. He's grown to be so skeptical of people around me and is really critical when it comes to passing judgement. Oh well, that's the big brother of mine trying to shelter his lil sister. If only it had came earlier, I'd prolly be saved from the trauma I've been through.

Then again, I hope he isn't that critical now. And trust that I know myself best and know what's the best for myself although I've apparently proved everyone else wrong. I'd love to take a second dip and then smile and tell him it's all worth it someday. I'm taking the first step.

I find myself scary at times,

2011-02-28T16:17:00.002+08:00

and think that I'm a complete hypocrite. For in everyone else's eyes I've moved on so well and living life the way I want it to be. Then why am I pretending to dwell on the past and be upset about it right? Because there is another part of the story these critics who have been judging me don't know. So, how much do you know about anything at all? You know nothing at all, nothing close enough to pass any judgements at me. Putting yourself in my shoes is an understatement. There's so much more you ought to put yourself through to know what is it exactly like. But know what, I take comfort that I'm off somewhere, better.

P.S. Stop being bitter, you simply cannot accept the fact that I could have been better off no?

I thought it was frightening enough,

2011-02-25T09:00:00.002+08:00

I got stumped by how fast everything changed. There's been so much that I've been bottling up but who really cares? It seems like I've moved on so swiftly when exactly two months ago everything seems so excruciating. Then again, who really knows the reason behind all? I'm not the kind who'd paint a picture perfect to conceal my shortcomings. The elaborated breakdowns and everything else, I wouldn't say it isn't me but I had a hard time convincing myself it aint worth it. And do you even know why? You don't.

It really is rather amazing how bonds break and ties sever, but all these are parts and parcels of life no? Know the best part? It's when people walk out of you after making use of you. Life's like that, how much can you actually trust somebody? Moving on is a painful process, you don't get past it, you get through it. You don't brush off the pain, you bear it all and feel you'd be better off dead than experience anything like that. Only then you'd emerge stronger.

So long goodbye,

2011-02-23T13:49:00.002+08:00

haven't really been blogging in this lil space of mine for quite some time. Guess it's high time for some well-processed thoughts.

2011 thus far has been a marathon, even though there's no intensive activities like crazy mugging or anything of sort happening due to the awaiting of the release of results, I came to realise how time flies and it's about time to bid goodbye to February in a few good days' time. And I'd find myself welcoming March, but not exactly with open arms because that would actually spell the release of A'level results. And that day, would mark the beginning of another chapter in my life. This year thus far, hasn't been exactly awesome, it feels like I've been pretty much moving along with the motions aimlessly. Just as I made up my mind to take that step forward, I was stumped by rejection. So now, I'm caught in a limbo again.

I was just thinking about it the other day, have I been too selfish? Chasing my dreams, and doing anything as I please and disregarding the feelings of the people around me. Prolly I am, but think about it... How many chance do you have in life to do what you really want to do instead of following the conventions blindly? Or prolly, it just isn't meant to be. After all, I've been faced with disappointment so many times alrdy, so what's another once more right? Oh well... Time to move on.

People come and go, when is there ever gonna be just this one who'd be here to stay through it all? I really wanna be a keeper, don't wanna keep losing people whom I really want for them to stay. Sad to say, the tighter your grip, the higher likely you let it slip. People whom you thought you can always fall back on may just turn their backs against you someday too. And guess what, too bad for you. No one else to blame but yourself. And know what, this is the story of life.

Happy Valentine's Day! ♥

2011-02-14T17:52:00.002+08:00

Have you ever, wanted so much to be a keeper and hoping this will just go on and not stop even if it means having to be ambiguous?